The Moons of Iego: The Padmé Amidala & Anakin Skywalker Website

FAN FICTION : CLASSIC TRILOGY ERA

-------------------------------------------

It Was Better This Way

by Daenarrah

----------------------------------

Time frame: post-RotS, right after Anakin/Vader's put in the suit and goes up until RotJ.

The idea for this fic was inspired by the picture I saw of Vader sitting in his chamber, mask off and remembering Padmé. It's beautiful and heartbreaking.

Disclaimer: The characters used here are owned by George Lucas.

------------------------------

Anakin? Anakin? Where are you?

There it was again, that melodic voice that would come to him in his darkest hours, haunting him as it danced lightly about his mind with a whispering caress and delicate kisses. That voice he knew would follow him across the stars, claiming his soul and laying waste to it for all eternity. He’d never escape it no matter how hard he might try. He’d never free himself from the suffering it brought him, the misery he felt he deserved. And a part of him didn’t want to be free. Her voice was all he had left of her. The only thing that reminded him of the angel he once cherished and loved so deeply, the angel he never meant to send back to the moons of Iego.

He’d hear her voice and he’d listen to it rather than run from the siren song it had become. He’d embrace it -- day and night, sleep and wake -- and let it torment him. He’d let it condemn him and serve as a crushing reminder of what he had lost and would never hold again.

“I’m here, Padmé. Always right here,” he’d mouth the words knowing she’d never hear him. It was better this way, he reasoned, staring at gloved hands through the lenses of a mask tinted red with the blood of innocents. He didn’t want her to be frightened by what she saw if she found him. He didn’t want her to ask him why.

Anakin, please. I can’t find you. Tell me where you are?

He wanted more than anything to tell her, to let her know he was right there in front of her. Always in front of her, his arms open so she could run into them and he could hold her in a warm embrace; let her know how much he loved her still, after all this time, after all he had done. There’d be no warm embrace, however. Not anymore, and he’d always be just out of reach, just out of sight. It was better this way. She wouldn’t have to be disappointed in seeing what he had become.

Ani, please. Why haven’t you come back to me? You promised. You promised we’d be together after the war was over.

How he wished that was a promise he could have kept. It was the last one he made to her. Instead it was a promise he didn’t know he would break so utterly. “I’m so sorry, Padmé.” Again his words were silent; he didn’t want her to hear him. He didn’t know if he ever would. “I wasn‘t able to save you. The power was right there within my grasp only to have it ripped away from me!” Anger heated in his blood as he condemned those who turned on him, denying him his right and her means of survival.

The inferno that raged was quickly subdued by the image of Padmé in her funerary state. “…Can you ever forgive me?” His breath caught and hissed through the vocabulator as tears welled up in his eyes. He squeezed them tightly shut, forbidding the tears to fall. He knew it wouldn’t matter, no one could see behind the mask. Even so, he told himself he didn’t deserve to cry. ‘I don’t blame you if you can’t,’ he wanted to say out loud. He was grateful that his voice failed him. ‘I can’t forgive myself.’

Time went on and he still heard the sweet voice of Padmé, lingering in his thoughts and in his dreams. If he was fortunate -- though at times he considered it a curse -- he’d catch a glimpse now of the delicate form that once housed that beautiful voice. He remembered how he trembled with fear the first time he saw her gliding through the corridors of his ship. He quickly drew himself back into the shadows and watched her pass before him. His head screamed that he was seeing things while his heart screamed out in bitter agony. For the first time in years Darth Vader found himself struggling to maintain a breath. For the first time in years Darth Vader was afraid.

He remembered that she was wearing the water gown she had been buried in so long ago. She still did as she ran along the corridors of his ship trying desperately to find him. Always it was the same thing.

Anakin, where are you? Please. I’m so cold here without you. I need you.

‘I’m cold too, Padmé,’ he thought one time as he watched her pass by. His body still burned from the fires of Mustafar. Aching and scarred and placed in his own sarcophagus, he was buried alive with an unholy death mask. But his soul… ‘I’m cold and dead inside.’

As more years passed Padmé’s desperation to find Anakin grew. He’d hear her now, crying for him, pleading for him to return to her. He’d see her beyond the confines of his ship. Wherever he was she followed, like he knew she would. He’d see her running through the hallways of the Imperial palace, the hallways of his castle. There were tears in her eyes now that he could see so clearly and it pained him to know he was the one putting them there.

And always she was looking for him.

Anakin, why won’t you come back? It’s been so long. You told me nothing could keep us apart. That our love was stronger than anything. Please, Ani. I’m so scared and alone without you.

If only she knew how alone he was without her. How he’d give anything to have her back again. She already owned his soul, he was willing to pay a ransom in flesh and blood just to be able to wipe away her tears and have her voice become real. But he knew that wasn’t possible. He didn’t have any right to give such a generous offer.

So many times that he’d see her he wanted to go to her despite knowing he was lost to her forever. He wanted to see if he could somehow touch her, see if he could somehow make her real. To see if he could somehow save her this time. But how could he do that now when he hadn’t been able to before? He hadn’t even been able to save her from himself.

She’d see him then too. She’d see what he had become and he didn’t want to see the sadness in her eyes He heard it eternally in her voice. So he watched her from a distance, hearing her call to his until she faded away once more and his breath would return to him again. It was better this way he continued to tell himself.

----

Time went by for Vader, the years passing before his eyes. They looked out the lenses of a mask still tinted red with the blood of innocents and saw the galaxy only through the rising grip of the Dark Side. As the galaxy surrendered itself to his iron fist, so did the presence of Padmé. Little by little his growing immunity to compassion had bitten into his soul, challenging the claim she’d had on it for so long. Overpowering in its force the darkness cut her out and thrust her away. Vader no longer heard her voice calling out to him; no longer saw her slight form running through the corridors and hallways forever trying to find him. The sound of her desperate weeping no longer haunted his dreams or penetrated his thoughts. She was gone, faded from his presence after she had given up all hope.

‘I can’t find you. I’ll never find you. I’ve lost you, Anakin. I’ve truly lost you.’

And he never knew.

After her expulsion all memory and recollection of her faded away. He had deserted her and rendered her lifeless once more; lost to the heart and soul she once captured and held so firmly. He didn’t notice her absence nor did he miss it. She was gone and as far as he knew, she had never been there. The mind can play tricks and his had played enough. ‘She’s not here. She never has been, she never will be. She’s dead…just as I am.’ He became the supreme master of denial and detachment. Besides, it was better this way.

And so he lived in solitude, the Dark Side his only companion. But in time, he’d remember again.

---

The appearance of his son -- the offspring he never knew he had, the one who had been hidden so carefully from him -- pulled him forcibly from the darkness that had been at his side in lonely exile. The bitter truth that stung like no other pain he had ever endured left him spinning and reeling, angry about all that had been denied him. He wanted revenge on those who had betrayed and conspired against him. He wanted to seek them out and rip them apart.

That revenge would not come.

A resounding slap registered across his face and echoed in his rattled mind. There had been no hand to give the brutal blow, but he knew there didn’t need to be. Feeling the rush of heat burst across his cheek, he knew the slap had been real. He felt the invisible, delicate fingers that reached forward from his past and shook him from his dark thoughts. His cheek burned from their touch. ‘Padmé,’ he knew in an instant. He was certain if he removed the mask he’d see her handprint. But how could he? She was gone. She had never been there.

Or had she?

‘I’ve lost you, Anakin. I’ve truly lost you.’

Realization dawned on him and in its wake his senses stirred making him acutely aware of the quiet that hung thickly, heavily around him. He was shocked to discover silence had a sound -- a disquieting murmur that echoed sharply throughout his brain and skidded along his nerves. It sent a cold knife scraping down his spine that woke his soul with a screech of long suppressed agony.

“Padmé,” he said barely above a whisper, but it rang loud and fierce through his vocabulator, echoing off the walls around him. She was gone. She had left him and he never noticed.

‘You pushed her away!’ The words hissed from the back of his mind. ‘You got rid of her! You believed it was better this way!’

Closing his eyes, he felt his heart clench, the grip so tight he thought it would shatter. The ache from what seemed a lifetime ago barreled down on him and memories of his angel hammered into his mind. Overwhelmed by it all, and the excruciating pain it caused him, he suddenly longed for the comfort her presence had once been. A balm he never realized until now had been a part of his very existence, that had kept him alive all those years ago until the Dark Side fully claimed him as its prize. It had been gone for so long, forgotten, and now he wanted it back, he needed it. Finding out about Luke had resurrected his soul and brought him back from the dead. But he couldn’t deny how hollow he felt inside - empty and worthless. Nor did he even try.

In that moment he knew of the one thing that would make him whole. He knew what he had to do: find Padmé.

Calling out to her, a glimmer of hope rose up that she’d be there, hiding in the shadows and just out of his reach…like he had once been so long ago. “Padmé,” he called again…and waited. The sickening sound of silence was all that greeted him. Looking around the chamber that offered his a false sense of life, Vader knew she was gone. Bowing his head, he remembered the message she had sent by an unseen hand, the meaning still ringing crisp and clear across his face. She was there, but she was too far away now, seeking refuge beyond the darkness.

“I’m sorry I failed you, Padmé,” he spoke aloud, wanting desperately for her to hear him. “Please forgive me. I’ll make things right, I promise.”

A voice answered but it was too far lost in the past for Vader to hear it. ‘I don‘t know how you can, Anakin, after everything you‘ve done.’

Chapter 2

Don’t look for me, Anakin. Please. It’s better this way.

The words were only whispers and ones too far lost in the casualties of his past that Vader never heard them. Or, if he did he chose to ignore them.

A new mission had been placed before him, one awakened by his son that he would carry out until his dying day. No one, not even his master would stop him from completing the task he now placed above all others. He’d denied himself Padmé’s presence for too long, he wasn’t going to be without it again. A deep loathing had set in, hating himself for casting her away and not noticing when her delicate form no longer called to him. He cursed the denial that he now considered his enemy. Because of its deceitful ways he had abandoned her and refused her comfort. He had forgotten her and suffered a lonely hell as a result.

He was determined to change that and so Vader began his search. Within days he had reacquainted himself with the corridors of his ship, carefully inspecting them and looking for signs of the angel who once haunted them. What he discovered strangled his heart and ripped at the tattered fabric of his soul. Around every corner and stuck in the fine lines and grooves of the stark passageways were memories he had long since forgotten and left behind, memories he had thrown away.

To his surprise these same memories were generous with him and allowed him to remember and return to the spot where he had seen Padmé for the first time, a different lifetime ago - the corridor she had favored most in her desperate wanderings for him. Standing alone in the very place where she once made him tremble in fear, he looked about the passage as if seeing it for the very first time and hoping he’d feel her presence lingering. But he knew better. He didn’t deserve such a benediction. He didn’t deserve anything. He had hidden away from her when she needed him the most. He had turned his back and let the Dark Side take her place as his soul mate. “Padmé, I’m so sorry I did this to you,” he spoke to her, hoping she’d hear him, praying she’d be able to forgive. “I never meant- I didn’t know-”

How could he when the darkness had consumed him for so long?

‘That’s no excuse!’ he cursed himself, slamming his fist into the bulkhead, feeling the hatred he felt rage and siege and boil inside. How could he have let her go! “I’ll find you, Padmé. I promise you. For the sake of our son - our son - I’ll find you and when I do- I’ll let you see me this time. I’ll let you see what I’ve become.”

I already know, Anakin. I already know.

But time doesn’t give up its ghosts easily and long months went by for Darth Vader. Months during which he could find no trace of the angel who once held his soul closer than he ever possibly knew. Months where he now called out to her, searching, wanting, needing to find her, see her, hear her. He never realized how he had taken for granted the melody to which her voice sang to him only to lose it before it was too late, before he noticed it had slipped away. A desperation took root in the very bottom of his heart and it crept along the edges of his being growing just under the darkness that still mastered him.

With every passing day that Padmé remained absent it wasn’t long before Vader found himself upon the grounds of the Imperial palace becoming intimately familiar once more with its grand halls. Maybe this hunt wouldn’t be for naught and he’d find vestiges of her here, moving across the carpeted floors and under the archways. Maybe here he could begin to mend his soul. But what memories that may have be there offered up no reprieve nor did he find any sign or indication that there ever would be. He found himself wondering for a flicker of a moment had she ever been there, seeking him out the way he now ached for her. Only one person knew the answer…but Padmé still remained lost and relinquished to the silence.

The same desolation greeted him as he walked lonely steps through the hallways of his castle. For all the hope that here he would find her waiting, the walls revealed nothing. Instead they echoed with an emptiness that sent a hammer pounding into his heart. He felt it being picked apart, piece by piece, with every breath that was taken for him. Vader wondered if this was what it truly felt like for a heart to die; his had just gone cold and froze over. He understood with painful clarity what Padmé endured. He needed her presence just as she had once needed his.

But he found he was looking for a ghost that no longer wanted or needed him. He was alone, as he had been for so many years, and it seemed Padmé intended for him to stay that way.

He had failed her once again.

“My heart and soul are yours! They always have been!” Vader screamed when he could take no more of the pain. “Please, Padmé take them!” The words vibrated and crashed along the walls of his castle, fading away to nothing. All that greeted him in return was the heavy silence he had come to severely despise.

Hanging his head and closing his eyes, for the first times in years, Vader cried. The hot tears ran down his face, burning his skin and scorching his soul. In the back of his mind a voice told him this pain was worse than the fires of Mustafar. “Please Padmé. …I need you,” the words rang out through his vocabulator heavy and harsh despite the pleading whisper that breathed past his lips.

After a long moment Vader knew there was no reason to stay. All the searching he had done had been in vain. Without another word he retreated from Vjun.

What he never knew, what he never saw was Padmé lingering in the shadows. She was there -- she had always been -- following him now as she had so long ago. But he wouldn’t see her and she didn’t know when he would again. It was her turn now to hide away and just out of Vader’s sight. Tears filled her eyes as she watched him pass by.

I need you too, Ani. But the darkness won’t let you go. I’d give anything to have you back with me but you’re not mine to take. …I don’t know if you ever were.

Time passed but Vader couldn’t get Padmé out of his mind. She haunted him more than ever now in a way that seemed fitting for the injustice he had done to her. She became a fever, burning him alive from the inside out. Memories plagued his mind and drove him near the point he would call insanity. It would have been a welcome thing had he taken that step. The Dark Side held him back along with the knowledge that Luke would join him one day. He told himself he’d have them both: his son by his side and Padmé aligned once more with his soul.

Alone in his chamber, where his men couldn’t see the madness, he sat with his hands upon his knees, his fists clenched tight. Closing his eyes, Vader called to the Force to help him. He demanded Padmé be brought to him, to show her to him so he could see her precious face once more. He knew he wouldn’t be able to alleviate the fires until he found her.

Padmé felt his urgency in the Force as it beckoned her. She knew it was time.

‘Anakin… Anakin…’

Vader faltered in his step, unprepared to hear such an astonishing sound. Stopping abruptly, he looked around the corridor he presently found himself in -- it was her corridor -- and wondered if his mind was playing tricks on him or if what he had heard was real. It had to have been as her voice echoed in his ears and sent whispers across his mind. He hadn’t heard that name spoken in years and no other in his presence knew it. Standing stock still he listened, wanting desperately to believe. Only the sound of his breathing and that same dreaded silence greeted him, mocking him for participating in what could only be considered a foolish game. Padmé was not there; and he knew the Force had not shown him any kindness.

Turning around and walking heavy in his step, Vader froze once more. He had heard it again.

‘Anakin…’

This time he knew it was real.

Turning around once more, Vader felt his heart constrict and a new tremor of fear ignite and radiate violently throughout his body. They were unexpected and unpleasant, but he understood why. She was there!

Standing before him was his angel. Nothing had changed; she looked as beautiful as the day he met her, the day he married her...and the last day he remembered that he saw her gliding through the passageways of his ship. She still wore the water gown she had been buried in and she shone with a light Vader had forgotten once surrounded her. She looked at him with eyes still as rich and deep as he remembered.

“Padmé,” he breathed out before knowing he had spoken. He continued to stare at her, unmoving. He feared that if he did it would all prove to be an illusion and she wouldn’t really be there at all. An even greater fear set in, one he didn’t want to acknowledge. He was afraid that once he revealed himself to her -- and he promised he would -- she’d become frightened by what he had become and run away. That was something he couldn’t live with. He couldn’t lose her again.

Padmé gazed at him a moment longer then turned her head away, breaking eye contact. Her body followed and Vader watched in what seemed like slow motion as Padmé’ turned her back to him and began to walk away, her ethereal body beginning to fade in the hard light of the corridor. A crushing weight sunk onto his chest and panic rose up to wrap a stranglehold around his heart. She was turning her back on him? After searching and finally finding her again she appeared, only to leave him? Vader wouldn’t have it, he couldn’t.

“Padmé!” he cried, taking a step forward, a gloved hand reaching out to her in a desperate gesture of need. Her name broke through the mask and echoed through the corridor sounding demanding and forbidding. Padmé turned around to face him and that’s when he saw it - the look of sadness and despair, disappointment and longing casting shadows deep into her eyes.

‘Anakin…’

That’s all she said, and then faded away into nothing

Vader felt his heart and soul crack and splinter as he watched her disappear. His hand still reached out to her and he clenched it into a fist before bringing it back to his side. He stood there for what seemed like an eternity staring at the space where his angel’s presence once had been. He didn’t understand what had just happened and he didn’t know if he would. All he knew was that she was gone again and he was left alone once more.

A ragged cry ripped from his throat, raging through the vocabulator and shaking the walls around him. At that moment he didn’t care if part of the ship collapsed in on him. Spirit or no, he’d rather be dead than face the loss of his wife a third time. And this time he’d remember and live the pain all too well.

Staggering forward to where she once stood Vader delved into the Force to try and find her, but his search was useless. He knew it was her turn to hide and he pleaded with her not to. “I was wrong to hide from you, Padmé and I’m so sorry. Please, don’t hide from me in return.”

From that moment on Vader caught small glimpses of her as he made his way about his ship. He’d see her in various chambers and corridors, up upon the bridge. And it was always the same: she’d stand a short distance away and her eyes would be fixed on him, the same sorrowful expression evident on her face as it had been that first time he saw her again. Sometimes he’d hear her call his name, other times she’d stand in silence. Sometimes, when he’d move to go to her, hoping this time she’d stay, she’d turn and begin to walk away, fading before his eyes. Other times she’d remain where she was and keep her eyes locked with his until she disappeared. Every time she left Vader to stand alone and drown in the longing she had augmented in his soul.

Time went by like this and Vader found he could no longer bare the madness Padmé was instilling in him. She was there but she kept herself forever just out of his reach. It was a torture he had once agreed to endure as fit punishment for his wrong-doings against her but now he had had enough. He wanted to make amends and have Padmé by his side once more but she refused him. ‘Just like she did on Mustafar.’

That was when a decision was made. One that may very well forfeit all he had tried so hard to achieve. If he couldn’t have Padmé with him he at least knew someone who he could.

‘No, Anakin! I will not let you have our son!’

‘How do you plan to stop me, Padmé?’

Chapter 3

Vader had heard her words, loud and clear and ringing sharply in his ears telling him she was closer than she’d ever been before. None of that mattered now. She’d had her chance to come to him these long past few months when he wanted her and needed her. When, for the first time in the years he’d forgotten, he would have done anything to have her with him. Just to know and feel her presence around him.

None of that mattered now. Padmé had called forfeit and who was he not to oblige her? Darth Vader never stood down from anything placed before him; he’d crush it with a thought, but he was no longer going to play her games. She didn’t want to be with him; therefore he didn’t want her to be there. He would not mourn her loss and in time he’d forget her again. In time it would be as if she had never been there. ‘Yes,’ he reminded himself, ‘it was better this way.’

It didn’t matter that in the back of his mind he knew it was wrong. That he knew and understood all too well what it felt like to search and be denied the one you love. Especially when they’re so close but always just beyond your grasp. He understood the pain Padmé felt when he kept himself separated from her. It was an ache he had come to hate but believed he had to endure for her sake. He understood the lesson and learned it well.

Too bad Vader chose to reject it and throw it all away. Padmé chose not to be with him, fine. There was another who would. It was time to teach a new lesson and he’d teach his son the value of loyalty.

‘What can you possibly do to stop me, Padmé?’ The words echoed bitterly in the air around him, crossing the threshold and striking against Padmé’s ears. ‘You‘re not even here.’

Padmé flinched, holding back a small whimpering cry. Sans flesh and bone she felt the pain of his words as they assaulted her, tearing violently through her small form like a dagger. Even here in death Anakin found a new way to hurt her.

Before she could respond Padmé found herself alone and cold, and with shadows lingering on the folds of light that surrounded her. Anakin…no he was Vader now. Vader had shut her out once more. A grim look of determination covered her face. ‘You can’t get rid of me. Not now.’ She watched as Vader strode away. ‘There’s too much at stake.’

Vader still saw Padmé’s form, though not as frequent as he used to. She was succumbing to the shadows again…or so he’d let himself believe. He had disengaged himself from his need for her and cursed the show of weakness he had displayed with disgusting abandon. He didn’t know who that creature was that had blindly, foolishly chased after a ghost, but it wasn’t him. It never had been as far as he was concerned He was thankful his master never saw him -- Darth Vader, Dark Lord of the Sith and apprentice, the enforcer known and feared throughout the galaxy -- in such a state. He knew the disappointment and disgust would be a hundred times greater. He already loathed himself for his atrocious behavior; he didn’t want to loathe himself more under his master’s harsh and cruel scrutiny.

There was one thing Vader failed to notice, however, for denial had become his ally and he welcomed it back. While Padmé’s presence had become less and less and it no longer haunted him -- he wouldn’t let it, he vowed. He’d be able to cut her out and expel her like he had in the past. He’d learn to forget her again -- each time she did appear her stance before him would be longer that the previous one. She no longer turned away from him and faded into nothing. She followed his every move, her eyes never leaving him until he had ventured well out of her sight. If he were to look he’d see the ‘senatorial mask’ she wore and he knew so well in a former life. He’d see that steadfast fortitude that never let her back down from a challenge.

If he were to look he’d find he still remembered and he didn’t want that. He wouldn’t allow it. Not now, not ever again. To forget was the only viable solution and he would not fail.

He stalked the corridors now, scowling at the notion they had once offered him comfort. ‘The foolish ramble of a pathetic bleeding heart,’ he had told himself. ‘The only ‘comfort’ I seek now is knowing I’ll bring my son to see the truth and together we’ll rule the galaxy. …Together, as it should have been if Padmé-

‘NO!’ he raged silently, sending a tremor of anger to shake and explode through the Force. ‘It doesn’t matter now. She is insignificant and unimportant. Soon I’ll have my son by my side and it’ll be that she was never here. It’ll be as it should be.’

If he wasn’t so busy forcing himself to forget, convincing himself the past several months never happened, he would have heard her. ‘You can’t get rid of me that easily.’

Vader’s search for Luke took an obsessive hold, front and center in his mind; it rose over and crushed down on the hunt he once had for another, eradicating it. Each day that passed he pushed Padmé a little further from his memories and his sight. He had once claimed she owned his heart and soul but not anymore, they belonged to the Dark Side. That was to be the comforting balm he needed, the refuge he sought, and Padmé was to become nothing to him, closed off and sealed away. His service was to his master and the Sith, not a ghost from his past who didn’t have faith in him. Who had betrayed him like all the others who had doubted him.

If he kept believing that he knew someday it would be true - again.

He also should have known Padmé would challenge that.

He had just entered the corridor -- the one that he once claimed had been hers -- when he saw her, standing at the other end, brighter and bolder than ever before and she was radiating with a determination he had not felt since- Shaking his head, he threw the thought away. It didn’t matter. Seeing her before him he wanted immediately to dismiss her, to tell himself she wasn’t there. His mind was playing tricks once more and he’d have to discipline it without delay. However, as he watched her and her presence remained stable, never fading, he knew she being there was something he couldn’t deny.

“I don’t have time for this, Padmé,” he growled out a warning, stomping towards her. He’d hear what she had to say then remove her from his life, by force if he had to. “What do you want?”

‘You know what I want Anakin,” she replied simply, watching him come to her.

‘That name no longer has any meaning to me,” he told her, the words coming out in a hiss. He stopped right in front of her and took in the sight of her graceful form. She looked so real and alive; he could cup her cheek and run his fingers through her hair if he reached out to her. In an instant he eliminated the suggestion with a savage pull, ripping it from his mind. He was not about to entertain thoughts of such nature. He had a new mission to complete and it didn’t involve corrupting himself for her.

“I know it doesn’t…But it did once,” she said, her voice soft with a slight hint of sorrow. She stared up at him trying to see if she could see the man she once knew and loved living behind the mask. She saw nothing.

“Once.” The single word resounded, solid and firm.

“It can again if you just let it,” Padmé suggested, hope trickling into her tone. Greeted by only the sound of his breathing, she knew it was futile and that her words had fallen on deaf ears. Closing her eyes and shaking her head slightly she felt sorrow wash over her, drawing ice around her. “What happened to you?” she asked, a quiver of desperation building in her voice. She looked up at the death mask Anakin had been buried in all these years. “You’re not the man I once knew.”

“That man no longer exists. He died a long time ago.”

Padmé couldn’t deny the chill that came from his words and she found it odd that she was able to feel frost build further on her skin. ‘You want me to freeze over and shatter?’ she wondered a brief moment before asking, “Why? He didn’t have to.”

“Yes he did.” Vader spoke the words, telling her there was no room for argument. “It was better that way.”

Anger heated up in Padmé, breaking the cold air that had been thickening around her. “Was it?” she demanded, glaring at him. “Was it better that the man I loved gave up everything he believed in, turned against it and destroyed it? And all for the sake of power!”

“That power was for you. To save you.”

“And a lot of good it did,” she retorted, her tone suddenly bitter.

“I do not need you to remind me of what happened nor did I request it,” Vader barked back sharply. “You would do well to stop what you are doing here and now.”

“Or else what, Anakin?” she challenged. “You’ve erased me from your life once already. You're that determined to do it again?”

“Your dismissal is the least of my concerns.”

The words sent a ripple of anguish through her form that made her ebb and flow the briefest of moments. “Look at you,” Padmé started, the desperation back, quickly followed by an ever rising level of anger. “Look what you’ve become, what the galaxy has. I don’t know who you are anymore. I haven’t for the past twenty years.”

“You know who I am. You did then and you do now.” The words were almost cryptic in their meaning. Padmé suddenly found herself on the landing platform of Mustafar, thrown back to that dreadful day so long ago. She was looking at the face of her husband and she could see him standing in front of her so clearly, like time had stopped and twenty years hadn’t passed. She saw the condescending grin he wore and self-righteous gleam in his eyes that told her what she tried to deny - he was amused by her naiveté. Was Vader mocking her again, now, after all this time?

‘How dare you! You won’t make me look the fool.’ she burned inside, her eyes hardening, trying once more to see if she could penetrate beyond the mask. “And that’s why you hid from me, isn’t it!” she asked sharply, recalling the senatorial tone she had once relied on. But that was another lifetime. “You couldn’t face me? Instead you shut me out and forgot about me.”

“Don’t try to be the martyr, Padmé. I’m not the only one who stayed in the shadows.” Anger surged through Vader as he continued to watch her ethereal form hold its ground before him. He was resentful of the accuracy Padmé tried to lecture him with. True, he had hidden away, unable to face her, letting himself forget. He had allowed the darkness to cover him during that time. And Padmé had done no better. The darkness had become her sanctuary as well, one which she slipped in and out of, tormenting him until he could take no more.

‘She came to you eventually. From the start you turned your back and let her fade away.’ If he heard the words, it was something he’d never acknowledge. He could ignore them and let them lie under the charred remains of the past.

“But I’m here now,” her words cut into his thoughts.

“Only in a way you deem appropriate,” he said, his words coming out thick with scorn.

“Because it’s too painful to be around you. The darkness hurts!” Padmé cried. Even in death she could still feel the iron grip of invisible fingers around her throat.

“Then that is to be your lot in life - and death,” Vader told her with little regard to the circumstance in which she was present to him. “It wouldn’t have been this way if you had only joined me. We could have ruled the galaxy together, made it what we wanted it to be.”

“And I told you, you were going down a path I couldn’t follow! The same holds true even now!” Padmé cried out, a heavy disappointment filling in her voice. She found herself back on Mustafar yet again. This time facing a dark figure cloaked in black who wore the face of her husband but had the eyes and voice of a monster. Shock and horror struck at her heart when she heard the words he had spoken, words that now echoed painfully across her being. That wasn’t what she wanted. It wasn’t then and it wasn’t now. How could she make him see that? What would it take to make him understand? She didn’t want to rule the galaxy; she just wanted to be by his side. How she wished she could have that now. All she could do was stare helplessly at the man who now wore the face of a monster.

“And that is why I’m offering it to Luke. Once I have brought him to the Dark Side of the Force I will complete his training. Together we will overthrow the Emperor and rule the galaxy as Father and Son.”

Padmé couldn’t deny the dangerous certainty with which Vader spoke. He was confident in his thinking and undeterred by any thoughts that his plan would not come to fruition. An ominous chill swept through her body, clawing at the light that gave her ground. “No! I won’t let you!”

“How do you plan to stop me? Our son will join me and the galaxy will be ours.” His words were mocking and condescending and all Padmé could do was stare at him in disbelief.

“No!” she screamed, anger pulsing through her, emanating out into the light that surrounded her. She stared at the stranger who stood in front of her, who had for twenty years. She had known all this time her husband was gone, smothered by the lava and flame from which Vader rose, but she had always hoped that somehow an ember had remained and would slowly, steadily burn its way back to the surface. How long ago had that ember burnt out?

“You had your chance; I gave it to you, Padmé,” Vader reminded her, his voice sounding harsher and more vindictive than ever before. “We could have ruled the galaxy together.

“It’s Luke’s turn now. Soon he will be by my side, and there is nothing you can do to stop it.”

With that Vader walked away. He was tired of this game of charades Padmé insisted on playing and it was time it stopped. He had more important matters to tend to, none of which was worrying about a ghost from his past. She had proven that time changes nothing: she still would not join him, she still betrayed him. She was a traitor to the Empire and a traitor to him.

He never heard it when the darkness laughed and reclaimed his soul, wholly and completely. Taking the memories of Padmé and crumpling them up in its grasp, it rendered them to ashes and dust, destroying them until nothing was left. The task was complete: Padmé was gone.

Padmé stood there and watched until Vader was out of sight, like she had so many times already. Her time spent, she began to fade away. Her thoughts returned to the son she never knew and the chilling words Vader had spoken. She was not about to lose Luke to the light the way she did her husband. She would stop him. “I swear to you, Anakin, I’ll find a way.”

A final thought came to her before her form vanished. An ember had remained buried deep beneath the ashes. Why would he call to her and look for her after so long? All that was needed was oxygen and he’d be able to breathe. For so long he had told her she was the air he breathed, that he’d die without her. Her resolve was set and she knew what she had to do. “I’ll join you, Anakin…For Luke’s sake, I’ll join you.”

Chapter 4

It was true Padmé agreed to join Anakin, Vader as he chose to call himself. However, it wasn’t going to be in the way he wanted her to. She could never stand at his side, even in death, and watch him destroy their son the same way he had destroyed himself. The way he had destroyed the galaxy. That was something she could not do. She made it clear then, she made it clear now. In return, Vader made it clear he felt she was betraying him, just like he felt she had all those years ago.

“The only one you’re betraying is yourself,” Padmé whispered, watching him stalk past like he had so many times since that ill-fated encounter. The words would never reach him; the shields he had in place were too strong, blocking her from him completely. The Dark Side had totally consumed him once more and there was no way to slip through and touch him. She would have felt blind, searching for a love that refused to be found -- she remembered that’s what it had been when she first called to him only to be answered by silence -- if it wasn’t for the fact she saw him, felt him, heard him every day. She watched his every move looking, hoping to find a weak spot in his defenses. Unfortunately, she found none. Vader had declared her dead once more.

But had Anakin?

She knew of way to reach him. Of a place she could go where he wouldn’t be able to shut her out or push her away. Where he wouldn’t be able to deny she existed because that was the one spot where she still truly lived, where he allowed and wanted her to. But it was also the one place she wished she didn’t have to go. It was that same spot that created the demons that had tormented him and drove him to such terrible lengths and ultimately caused him to fall.

His dreams.

If there was any other way Padmé would take it. She remembered all too well the pain Anakin experienced from his dreams. Yet she also knew he found happiness there. Sometimes over the years, as she watched him rage across the galaxy, she’d feel a caress against her cheek or a kiss on her lips and she knew Anakin was in one of his quieter moments. She knew he was asleep and dreaming. She never went to him. She knew he’d forget as soon as he woke up. And each time it drove her further back into the darkness.

Things were different this time. She had a soul to save and the only way to make sure Luke never fell as Anakin had was to go and be with her husband. She had to show him what they once had, remind him of the man he once was. She had to bring him back.

Or completely lose herself trying. She’d render herself to the darkest depths of oblivion if she failed.

----

Vader carried on with his plan to bring his son to the Dark Side. Soon he would have Luke by his side and together they would rule the galaxy. He no longer concerned himself with the faint thoughts and images of his past -- they were a burden he had effectively removed. He now had a glorious future ahead of him. Or so he allowed himself to believe.

Sitting in his chamber he recalled the duel he had with his son on Cloud City. Luke was indeed strong in the Force. Obi-Wan had taught him well, very well. His fists clenched and shook beside him, enraged at the thought of his old master training his son. How dare he! How dare Obi-Wan deny him that right. …And now all his plans to further train Luke lie in ruins. His son didn’t want to join him. After revealing his destiny and offering him the galaxy his son chose to fall away from him rather than join him.

Had he been so wrong to end up misjudging him? His son would rather not know him or be by his side? Was he destined to have those he cared about turn away and betray him? Was Luke no better than… The darkness devoured the thought before he could finish it. Before he even knew it was there. No, Luke couldn’t be considered a betrayal. He was merely misguided. That could be amended - with enough persuasion. It meant twice the effort needed to turn him but Vader would not fail again.

----

Padmé knew the time to act had come.

She waited until she was certain he was asleep. Only then would she be able to go to him unrestricted or without the chance of being thrust away. She was welcome in his dreams. This time there would be no nightmares to spur him to acts of madness. Things could be the way they used to be.

Invisible fingers caressed her cheek and she knew Anakin was dreaming about her. She heard him say her name, softly, and this time she wouldn’t deny herself the chance to be with him again. This time she would go to him and they would be together. Everything would be real again and when the dream was done he’d remember. She’d make sure of it. Turning the direction his voice came from the stark dead white of Vader’s chamber faded away. In its place grew the small courtyard and gardens of Varykino, vibrant and brilliant colors surrounding her. Bringing her hand up to subdue the pounding that beat rhythmically throughout her, Padmé gasped at the sight before her. Never again did she think she’d see this place through the eyes of her former self. Not like this.

“Padmé.”

She heard her name again and she watched with mounting joy as her husband became visible before her. He looked exactly the way she remembered him before he was wrapped up by fire and thrust into his black and burning tomb. “Anakin-” she breathed, her voice almost desperate, sounding as if she hadn’t said his name enough.

‘You came,” he said in awe, barely above a whisper. A half smile curled up on his mouth and he looked at her not quite sure to believe she was there. He had to touch her to make sure she was real. Reaching out and gently cupping her cheek he felt the warmth caressing his palm and his smile grew. “You’re here this time. You’re really here.”

“Yes, Ani, I’m really here,” she replied bringing her hand up to wrap around his, reveling in the feel of his skin upon hers. Here in his dreams she’d make anything possible. She’d remind him what it felt like to be alive, what it felt like to love. It was what he wanted, what he craved where she was concerned -- it was what she wanted too, to love him again -- and she wasn’t about to deny him something so precious. Not anymore.

She moved her lips slightly to plant a quick kiss on the palm of his hand. Staring into his eyes, those piercing blue eyes that had caught her in their gaze so many times and left her breathless, she felt something coil up inside the very essence of what she was. Tightening and gripping her with a full ardor she thought she’d never feel again until she was certain it would break and shatter her into a million pieces through the Force.

Her name spilled out from Anakin once more. A strangled, sobbing cry ripped from his throat as he pulled her to him and into a deep, bruising and passionate kiss. All the years of longing were poured into the kiss, along with the desperation he felt to hold her and have her once more. She was there, really there and he wasn’t about to let her go.

Padmé responded the same way in kind - a sob breaking from her lips as she wrapped her arms around him and held him close. The ardor she felt which spiraled in her so tightly finally gave way, snapping and bursting open. In that moment she could feel all the love she ever had for him blossoming wide like a flower and radiating out until it engulfed them both.

“Padmé,” Anakin rasped out a fourth time, breaking the kiss and looking at her. It seemed all he could do now was say her name, repeating it like a holy prayer. His whole body was trembling and Padmé was certain he was on the verge of tears. She knew she was as well.

“You don’t have to say a word,” she whispered, bringing her fingers up to play across his lips. “I already know.”

Without saying anything more Anakin picked her up and carried her into the house.

They made love in his dream and it was real, so very real and with such tenderness and a reverence that both found themselves in tears.

How long had he waited for this? How many times had he dreamed about her but had never been able to touch her? Not like this.

‘This is what he dreams about,’ Padmé thought while holding a sleeping Anakin in her arms afterwards. How many times had he dreamed about her hoping he’d be able to love her the way he used to? ‘But they’re not just dreams. They’re more…so much more.’ Padmé absently ran her fingers through his hair reacquainting herself with its silky texture. ‘They’re all he truly has left of me and has allowed himself to have all this time.’ His dreams were the only place where the darkness couldn’t touch her and thrust her away. They were the only place, if given a chance, where he could remember her. Now here, Padmé would make sure he’d never forget.

All too soon the dream ended. Anakin faded from her arms and the bedchamber where they first consummated their love so long ago, and had now done so again, disappeared around her. She found herself back in the stark white chamber where Vader rested. Pain rippled through her at the loss of the dream but she knew there would be others.

She watched as Vader woke and took in his surroundings. He wore a mask of turmoil - confusion, uncertainty and a layer of mistrust were dominant on his face. His eyes darted about if searching for something or someone. Padmé could tell he was greatly disturbed by what just happened. She could feel the tension in the Force as he sat rigid and firm trying to understand what had just transpired in his sleep. “You remember the dream, don’t you, Anakin?” she asked, despite knowing he couldn’t hear her. “You remember it all.” A triumphant smirk curled at the corners of her mouth. He remembered the dream and, in time, he’d remember her again too.

Time passed and Anakin and Padmé rediscovered each other in his dreams. They didn’t happen as frequently as both would have liked so they savored the precious moments they had together. Sadly, it reminded Padmé of how things were during the war but she wasn’t going to let an indiscretion like that ruin her time with him. Like Anakin, she looked forward to when he dreamt. The world was theirs and in his dreams nothing could come between them. They loved, they laughed, and they relived cherished memories and made new ones. There was no end to what they could do in Anakin’s dreams.

But Padmé would mourn when the dream was gone. It always ended so abruptly and they were removed from each others arms without a chance to say goodbye. Then Padmé would find herself facing Vader and it was always the same. He’d wake up troubled and incredibly agitated, trying to understand what was happening in his sleep and why. And each time his anger would flare, Padmé could see the flames flicker in his eyes. He’d remember the dream but he didn’t know who Padmé was. He told her as much.

“Whoever you are, cease in tormenting me. My dreams are mine and mine alone. They are not for you to invade.” The words were harsh and bitter but Padmé went on unperturbed.

“I’ll cease, Vader, when you remember me and the man you truly are.

“When you realize and understand Luke will not fall to the Dark Side.”

----

Vader’s frustration and agitation grew with each day that passed and no signs of Luke could be found. It was as if his son had disappeared from the galaxy. None of his men understood the obsessive need he had to find the rebel leader and he intended to keep it that way. The only thing they understood, too well in some cases, was the volatile behavior he displayed. His men did their best to stay out of his way. No one wanted to be on the receiving end of a Force choke. There were a few, however, who couldn’t escape such an unfortunate fate.

It wasn’t just the inability to find Luke that was sending Vader into such a dangerous state. His dreams were becoming unbearable. More and more his dreams lead him to the life he once lived a faint memory ago, a life he discarded through death and bloodshed. He had dreamt this way before, and despite loathing the memories that were conjured, violently ripping them away, he found it was a weakness impossible to dispel. They were a part of who he was and he bitterly realized he’d never be able to dismantle that part of his past. He didn’t want to see the man that once existed, though, he didn’t want to see the life he once lived. That part of him was dead, burned and buried, swallowed by the lava on Mustafar. As long as he could keep it all tightly locked away without the horror of it seeping into his conscious he’d begrudgingly accept it.

However, for reasons he couldn’t explain he now found himself dreaming about who he had once been on a more regular basis - several times in a standard month to be exact.

However, it wasn’t the frequency with which he had dreamt that concerned him. It was the woman who kept appearing in them. Soft and beautiful, she had a face he knew he could love -- if he were to ever allow himself to love which was not possible. Despite seeing her in every dream he didn’t know who she was. A part of him told him he should, that there was something familiar about her. She was someone he had once known but he didn’t know when or who that could be.

With every dream that passed he’d wake up and remember the time his former self spent with this woman. She made him happy, that much was perfectly clear. He could sense the love and happiness that Anakin received from her, love he once obviously knew. The very idea angered and disgusted Vader. It also created an ache that echoed unnoticed deep in his soul. He’d see how they spent all their time at what appeared to be a lake retreat, walking in gardens and lounging in beds. These were places that never stayed in focus long enough to see where he was, everything was a blur, passing just beyond his sight. Yet there was a familiarity to it all…just like with the woman.

Who was she? Why couldn’t he remember? The more he focused on it the angrier he became. He didn’t want these dreams, these memories plaguing him, haunting him. He didn’t want this woman coming to him and mocking him with a past he had worked so hard to forget. He had sealed it away in the deepest recesses of his mind along with the man he had once been. And the darkness had kept it there all this time. But now? How dare she come into his dreams and retrieve it all, throwing it in his face and taunting him. It was an offense he would not allow. He’d remove her and the memories once more. Never again would he allow Anakin Skywalker to know such happiness …Never again would he allow himself to remember. He knew what he had to do and that woman would regret the day she played out any transgressions against him.

----

The next time Padmé saw Anakin she noticed there was something different about him. His eyes didn’t have the luster they usually did. They looked dull and flat…and a little dark. It was unusual to see him looking like that here in his dreams. He was always so happy - always so happy to see her.

“Ani, what’s wrong?” she asked, reaching out to him. Concern and fright flowed in to her when he stepped away just out of her touch. He continued to stare at her with eyes that grew increasingly cold in appearance. It sent a faint rippling chill through her, almost like a warning, telling her the darkness had discovered her. Padmé forcibly chose to ignore it, however. She didn’t want to believe it, she wasn’t going to.

She continued to watch him trying to understand the strange behavior he was exhibiting. “Ani?” her voice trembled. Taking a step forward she felt her fear swell when he took another back, the expression on his face never changing. “Anakin, please. What’s wrong?” she asked steeling herself. She wasn’t going to be afraid here. Not in his dreams. This was the one place she was safe…where she had to be. Why did she suddenly feel that wasn’t the case anymore?

Abruptly, Anakin turned around; his back straight and stiff before her. “I knew it was too good to last,” he said, his voice low and harsh. “Everything I care about eventually goes away.”

“Anakin, what are you talking about?” Padmé didn’t like the words he had said or how cryptic they sounded.

“You are not welcome here.”

Padmé gasped; she knew that voice - Vader’s. Darkness started to descend swiftly over the courtyard her and Anakin were standing in. In a flash it was gone. The only things that remained and surrounded her were grey outlines, vague shapes and distorted images that receded and returned when she looked around. ‘No! No,’ she cried not wanting to believe what was happening. “Not here. Please, not here.” This was the one place she was safe, the one place the darkness couldn’t reach her. This was where she was supposed to make Vader remember who he was and with that make him understand he didn’t need to turn their son to the Dark Side.

“Yes, here.”

Padmé looked up then and saw him, Darth Vader, standing when Anakin once was. His breathing rasped loudly around her, echoing sharply, painfully throughout her being, reminding her of the man -- the thing -- Anakin had become. She would have mourned the loss of the sight of the man she loved but an instant anger that rose up inside her wouldn’t allow it. She fixed him with a hard glare and set her jaw in grim determination. The fight wasn’t over yet. “You can’t have him,” she said in a firm and unyielding voice. An all too brief thought passed through her mind and she wondered who she was talking to, Vader or the darkness.

“You’re already too late,” Vader responded.

Everything suddenly went black around her and all Padmé could do is scream, “NO!”

Chapter 5

Padmé had failed. Standing in shocked silence, she couldn’t believe it. ‘How?’ That one word screamed loud and bold through her head sending an ache she couldn’t describe. One that was slowly robbing her of any feeling, leaving her empty and numb.

She had been so certain she’d be able to reach her husband and make him remember who he was, who he had been and could be again. The time she had spent with him in his dreams had shown her promise. The man she knew and loved was still there and still very much alive, wanting to be reborn. She was sure of it.

So how was it that she failed so utterly? Where had she gone wrong? She knew the answer to that and it was one that was hard for her to accept. The Dark Side had proven to be stronger than she expected. What else could the answer be? She had thought herself safe in Anakin’s dreams. She believed she could dwell there and remain untouched and out of harm’s way. She never believed she’d be proven to be wrong, so completely wrong.

The darkness broke in, overpowered and destroyed everything she had done. It triumphed once more and she had been thrust away. Anakin was lost again, swallowed whole and Darth Vader stood in his place like he had so many times before.

It took everything that Padmé had to keep from breaking down and apart and allowing her spirit to dissolve into the Force. She had said she’d render herself to the darkest depths of oblivion is she failed. It seemed like a fitting and appropriate ending. “A fitting punishment for how I failed you, Ani.”

“It’s not like you to give up so quickly, Padmé.”

The words and the rich voice yanked Padmé from her somber reverie and she looked about trying to find the person they belonged to. “Obi-Wan?”

He appeared before her, much like how Anakin did in his dreams. He solidified into the figure of an old friend she thought she’d never see again. Obi-Wan was much older now but he was still the Jedi Master she had known and cared about decades ago. A small gasp of wonder whispered past her lips when she noticed how the Force shimmered strongly around him. In all her years of ethereal solitude she had never seen something so beautiful.

“Yes, I’m here, Padmé.” Obi-wan answered, giving her a warm smile. “And I must say I’m quite surprised by you. It’s never been in your nature to give up so easily.”

Giving the old Jedi a look mixed with anger and defeat she asked, “What choice do I have? I’ve done all I can. Even in his dreams the darkness was still able to reach me.”

Obi-Wan brought his hand up to run his fingers through his beard. “Vader has been consumed by the Dark Side for so long that it’s safe to venture no part of his life has gone untainted.”

“But that’s not true,” Padmé responded indignantly. “His dreams were untouched. At least for a while.” Seeing the look of skepticism on the former Jedi’s face Padmé was quick to defend the man she loved. “There’s still good in him, Obi-Wan. I know there is. The Anakin I know, that we both know is still there. I saw him, spent time with him.”

“But you weren’t able to save him,” Obi-Wan said in a soft voice as if knowing his words would hurt.

Padmé tensed a moment then let her shoulders slump. “No,” she answered quietly, feeling defeated again. She wrapped her arms around her waist trying to protect herself from the pain.

Silence passed between the two before Obi-Wan spoke up. “Luke is very much like you, Padmé. He shares your optimism about Vader. He believes there’s still good in him as well.”

Upon hearing her son’s name Padmé looked at the old Jedi. Her expression that of wonder and joy. “Luke? You spoke with him?”

“Yes, yes. Several times. Most recently in fact was on Dagobah where he had gone to finish his training with Master Yoda.”

Padmé stared at Obi-Wan, taking in what he said. “I- I didn’t know that.” Guilt swelled up in her at the realization of that fact. She knew Luke had become a powerful Jedi and she was proud of that. But she thought Obi-Wan had been the one to complete his training. He had first started it after Luke left Tatooine behind. A stray thought entered her head: ‘He had nothing to go back too, just like his father.’ Just as quickly her thoughts returned to Obi-Wan and remembering how well he had trained Anakin. It made natural sense that he would be the one to train Luke. She didn’t know it had been finished by Master Yoda, though it came as no surprise to her when she found out.

“You were preoccupied with the pain and guilt you felt about Vader.”

Padmé merely nodded her head slowly in agreement. What else was she supposed to do? She couldn’t deny what Obi-Wan had said. Then she remembered what he had said about Luke being like her. “Luke sees the good in him too.” It was a statement more than a question. Padmé had never had any doubt about the goodness that still dwelled in the man who had been and was still her husband. It sounded like Luke didn’t either.

Folding his arms across his chest Obi-Wan gave her a firm and steady look. “I will tell you what I told Luke. Vader is more machine now than man - twisted and evil. He, along with the Emperor, must be destroyed if there is to peace in the galaxy and balance restored to the Force.”

“Destroyed…? You would see him killed?” Padmé asked, her tone turning incredulous as she spoke the words.

“There is no other way,” Obi-Wan responded his voice flat and void of any emotion.

“No!” Padmé shouted, glaring harshly at him. She felt a flash of anger flare out from her body and ripple away from her. “I won’t see my husband killed. Not when there’s still good in him. I know there is.”

“Luke has told me the same thing,” Obi-Wan remarked, a calming grin on his face. “In fact, he believes he can bring him back“.

“If he can then have him do it,” Padmé told him with conviction. At that moment a cruel realization dawned on her about what Obi-Wan hadn’t said. “It’s better than having him kill his own father. That’s what you would have him do,” she bit out.

“If it restores the balance. I don’t know if there is any other choice, Padmé. Darth Vader must be destroyed.”

“There’s always another choice!” Padmé yelled, glaring hard at him. She couldn’t believe what she was hearing. “There has to be! I know there is!” And she knew better than anyone. “I’ve seen it, Obi-Wan. I’ve felt it. There’s still good in Vader. There’s still good in Anakin. He’s only forgotten it - forgotten what it feels like. The Anakin we know is still there and if Luke can bring him back then let him try!”

She didn’t think what she was requesting to unreasonable. If it meant saving her husband and keeping Luke from falling to the Dark Side then so be it. She had seen how powerful her son had become. That was when she realized that if anyone could bring Anakin back to the Light Side it was Luke. He would be able to succeed where she had failed. Vader already desired to have him by his side. Luke had to remind him of the man he once was, reawaken that part of him. Only then would Anakin truly be able to have his son with him - in Light not in Dark.

“And what about you, Padmé?” Obi-Wan’s voice cut into Padmé’s thoughts. “Are you still going to try or do you intend to throw yourself away?”

Padmé looked at the old Jedi Master, not sure what to say. She didn’t know what more she could do. She had refused to believe Anakin was lost but her last sanctuary with him had been destroyed. What else was there? Her hopes rested with her son now.

Sensing her uncertainty, Obi-Wan appealed to the part of her that deeply loved her husband, as well as her son. “You believe in Vader, in Anakin, as much as your son does. You’ve never given that up. True?”

“Yes,” she said quietly and nodding her head. “Even when I saw what had become of him I never stopped believing. It lied buried under all the pain because for so long I couldn’t accept the…monster he had turned into. I couldn’t see him like that. I wouldn’t let myself. It was better that way because…because. That wasn’t Anakin.”

Tears began to swell in her eyes while she continued on with her story. “I remember searching for him, desperately trying to find him. I kept blindly telling myself he had to be somewhere. The creature I saw smoldering beneath that death mask couldn’t be what remained of my husband. It just couldn’t.”

Her voice cracked and the tears began to fall. “I didn’t want to admit he had been in front of me all along. Eventually, I had to and I had to accept what he had become. That’s when I realized Anakin was still there and I still believed in him.”

“Then go to him,” Obi-Wan told her, softly. A warm and understanding smile lit up his face as he reached out and took her hands in his. “He’s going to need you.” There was a pause before he continued. “They both will.”

Chapter 6

Although he hid his emotions well, Darth Vader was pleased when his son turned himself in and was brought before the Sith Lord. There was no resistance and for a brief moment Vader wanted to believe that Luke had seen the error of his ways and had come to the Dark Side. He also wanted to believe that Luke was there because he wanted to stand by his father’s side. Vader knew better, however, and berated himself for such lines of wishful thinking. Luke had not turned; he could feel the good and the Light side of the Force swell and flow through his son. And Luke wasn’t there to join Vader so they could rule the galaxy together. The conversation they had told him as much.

Vader watched his son be taken away wishing there was an easy solution to the undertaking that lie ahead of him. He knew there wasn’t and today his son would either join him and the Emperor…or die.

For the first time in more years than he could remember he felt a heavy weight descend upon his heart and suffocate him.

Turning to head towards the transmissions room, Vader was going to let his master know Luke Skywalker was in custody. Then he would bring him before the Emperor once they arrived on the Death Star.

----

When Padmé reached Vader and her son Luke was well into a struggle for control over his anger. He was watching the Rebel Alliance be out-gunned and blown from space. The Emperor was taunting him and encouraging him to give in, to take up his light saber and strike the defenseless man down. For a moment Luke did and a pained gasp left Padmé’s lips. She felt the heart of her being constrict and recoil, shrinking in on itself when she saw her son retrieve and ignite his lightsaber. In that split second she thought she was too late. She thought she had lost Luke to the Dark Side. It was Vader’s block of the killing blow that told her there was still hope for her son. Then she heard Palpatine’s sinister cackle and ice formed on the fringes of her existence. It splintered into her with a feeling of horrible dread and she knew there was more danger to come for her son.

She had to do something. Turning to Vader she reached out to him, putting every ounce of energy she had into trying to reach him. She was brutally thrust away by the dark impenetrable shield that surrounded him. It sent her reeling and left her pained and disoriented. All she could do was stand by helplessly watching as the two men who meant the most to her, her husband and son, begin to fight each other.

“No, please,” she cried in a weak voice, belying the fact she was trying to gather her strength. She had come this far she wasn’t going to give up now. As she watched them a pain radiated across her soul; for so long she had wanted to see them at each other’s side, but not like this! The fight carried on and all Padmé could do was continue to watch. There had to be something she could do. But what?

As she looked on with growing despair a familiar anger raged up inside her spreading like scorching heat and replacing the pain that had been enveloping her. She had never felt it in such intensity before. It felt like an inferno burning inside her and looking at Vader as he goaded their son she knew why. She wanted to protect Luke as only a mother could. She wanted to face down his adversary and destroy the darkness that was trying to claim him…Even if it meant facing and destroying her own husband.

“You don’t deserve to have him call you ‘Father’!” she hissed, glaring darkly at Anakin. Her teeth were clenched and her fists were curled into balls of trembling white. For the first time ever Padmé could say she hated the man before her.

----

“You don’t deserve to have him call you ‘Father’!”

In the midst of the duel Vader heard the words clearly and he knew they were not his own. They were spoken with such venom that a sharp agonizing pain struck deep into his chest and pierced his heart and soul. A deep anger accompanied it along with a rush of hatred. Never before had he felt such hostility and he faltered in his focus at the amount of poison each word was layered with.

Luke sensed it and used the split second of weakness to his advantage. He sent Vader down the stairs with one swift kick.

Getting to his feet Vader berated himself for allowing such a distraction. Yet, he couldn’t deny the level of malice he felt. He vaguely wondered if his master could feel it and knew he didn’t want the Emperor to see or sense any weakness in him. Starting to ascend the stairs he called upon the Dark Side to banish the misery so he could resume his duel with Luke, but the rage remained. It could not be crushed; it swirled and pulsed in the air around him and Vader found himself wondering what power was it that was greater than the Dark Side of the Force.

With each step he took Vader briefly and discreetly allowed himself to focus on the anger and hatred directed at him. He knew it wasn’t his own nor was it Luke’s. It was from a source not of his doing. It was thick with a vehemence he hadn’t experienced before, yet it seemed disarmingly familiar. Underneath the anger was a presence he had felt before. With this he knew where the rage and hatred were coming from yet the answer was one he couldn’t find or remember. It was right out of his reach and with each loud clatter of his boots on the steps the knowledge of that made every ounce of pain excruciating.

It was the maniacal laughter and words of his master encouraging Luke to give in to the Dark Side that swiftly brought Vader back to the situation at hand. He watched as his son turned off his lightsaber and stood there strong, calming himself with the Force. It may have been decades but he recognized the training of his old master. “Obi-Wan had taught you well,” he said while each step took him closer to his son.

“I will not fight you, Father,” Luke said in return.

“You are unwise to let down your defenses.” With that Vader lunged forward and attacked.

----

Padmé glared hard at Vader, allowing the rage she felt to consume her. She couldn’t believe what she was seeing, she didn’t want to. She wanted to lash out and scream at Anakin, tell him to stop. If she were alive she’d die a thousand times over - do anything to save her son.

Just like she’d do anything to save her husband. She knew, like with Luke, she’d die a thousand more to save him.

With those thoughts firmly in mind the rage Padmé felt dissipated. She couldn’t let her anger cloud her judgment. She had a task to do and she needed to remain focused. She had to put all her energy and the renewed strength she had gained from Obi-Wan’s blessing into reaching her husband. Once calm she realized she’d broken through. She breached the darkness and he had felt her anger. She was certain he had also felt the fierce love she had for Luke buried underneath it. It may have been only for an all too brief moment but he had still felt it and it was enough to give her hope.

She continued to watch the duel as it waged on dreading that one of them would fall further than the Dark Side. She feared one of them would end of dead and at the other’s hand. That was something she couldn’t bear to see. Yet, as she watched the duel she noticed how Vader’s shields were weakening. Knowing she had found a way to reach him and had done so must have been enough to allow Anakin to try and reemerge. Smiling at her son she knew his presence as well was causing conflict within the Sith Lord. Emboldened by this, Padmé dared to try something.

----

“Your feelings betray you, Father,” Luke said with confidence while walking across the durasteel catwalk above Darth Vader. “I can feel the good in you…the conflict.”

“There is no conflict,” Vader responded despite how the good inside him was battling to break free. But it wasn’t just that. He could have sworn he saw something move in the corner of one of his lenses. A ghostly figure that passed just within the corner of his view, yet when he looked again it wasn’t there. It left behind, however, a lingering presence that called to him and to the man he once had been.

A triumphant smile spread across Padmé’s face as she watched her husband struggle with what had just happened. “I know you felt me, Anakin. You saw me,” she said out loud, her chin held high with determination. Something told her she knew he had heard her. “You can deny it all you want but I’m here and I’m not giving up. You’re still my husband and you always will be.”

Padmé’s confidence was short-lived, however, when Vader found the one weakness in Luke neither of them thought of: Leia.

“Sister! So...you have a twin sister. Your feelings have now betrayed her, too. If you will not turn to the dark side, then perhaps she will.”

“NO!” both Padmé and Luke yelled in unison. “You’ll not have our daughter!” Padmé added, feeling the protective rage build up in her again.

It balked and shifted when she saw Luke descend on Vader and begin to attack him with a ferocity she didn’t know he possessed. “Luke, no!” she cried out watching in horror as her son called on the Dark Side and struck violently at his father, pushing him back until Vader had collapsed to the floor. “Luke, stop!” Her cry was panicked and Padmé wished more than anything at that moment that her son could hear her.

She was about to say something more when she heard the sinister cackle of the Emperor once again. Turning to glare sharply at him, pricks on ice stabbed her from the inside out making her shiver and struggle to maintain her composure. Succeeding in doing so she watched as the Sith Lord approached her son praising him for how powerful his hate had become and telling him it was time to fulfill his destiny. All she could do was watch with bated breath to see how Palpatine’s words would affect Luke, all the while cursing the evil man for his cruel and twisted machinations.

Padmé felt pride swell up in her when she heard her son tell the Emperor he had failed. Luke realized he had allowed the Dark Side to control his actions and that he was becoming like the very thing his father was now. He wasn’t about to let that happen. He was a Jedi, like his father before him. A triumphant smile spread across Padmé’s face and she knew Luke had won.

Her eyes turned to Vader lying on the floor and the smile faltered. For the first time she saw him as a man completely and utterly beaten down and defeated. Someone who had truly lost himself and had been a prisoner and slave to the Dark Side. She hated the sight of it yet she looked upon him with a small Aninkling of hope. Maybe now Luke could bring Anakin back?

Padmé’s rumination was brutally interrupted when she heard the words Emperor Palpatine spoke. “If you will not be turned, you will be destroyed.”

Ice gathered in her soul; it was shattered by the scream that broke free while she looked on in horror. Palpatine began attacking her son with Force lightning, sending him to the floor in violent convulsions as the dark energy ripped through him. Padmé ran to her son, her motherly instinct to protect him overriding the agony she felt at seeing Luke suffer in such a way. When she reached him, however, there was nothing she could do. She couldn’t touch him or take the lightning for him. She couldn’t give up her life for him so he could live and be safe. She had done that over twenty years ago. There was no second chance here. Once again she was helpless to do anything and all she could do was kneel helplessly by him and watch.

Dark movement out of the corner of her eye caught her attention and she looked up to see Vader getting to his feet. Slowly, awkwardly he made his way to Palpatine’s side and watched as his son was brutally assaulted with the Force.

“Father, Please. Help me.” Both heard him cry.

Looking back to her son again, Padmé felt tears, real tears begin to fall from her eyes and she thought she would shatter; the pain was so unbearable. Turning to Vader once more, she felt the rage from earlier flare and roil through her. She felt like it consuming her again and she glared harshly at the man she had once known as her husband. “ANAKIN! STOP THIS!” she yelled as she stood up to face him and his master. Standing in front of her fallen son she struggled to hold in a strangled sob as the lightning passed right through her. Staring hard at the eyes she knew were behind the mask she continued to cry out. “This is your son! Anakin! Don’t let this happen! Don’t let him die like this!”

Padmé knew he hadn’t seen her that time -- his lack of reaction told her as much -- and she could only guess if he had heard her. She didn’t know why and it didn’t matter. All that did was reaching her husband and have him save Luke before it was too late. She knew exactly what she planned to do. Taking all the anger she felt and the protective rage she turned it into a burning passion and focused her energy on that one spot she had broken through, the one spot where she had been able to reach Anakin. She knew she could reach him again; without hesitation she went to him.

Vader stood next to his master watching as his son writhed around on the floor. If only Luke hadn’t been so foolish. If only he had seen the only path for him was to the Dark Side. Luke would be by his side and the Emperor would be the one dying at their feet. But Luke was naïve, much more so than he ever thought. And now his son would pay the ultimate price for his lack of understanding.

Still, he couldn’t remove the growing feeling that what was happening was wrong. His son didn’t deserve to die. And this was his son before him, his flesh and blood. The child created out of the love he had once shared with Padmé. Padmé. He hadn’t said her name or thought of her for what could have been an eternity. Or had he?

Without warning, memories of another life and another time assaulted him. His mind went reeling as images from his past came forward to greet and remind him: there was the first time he had met her in Watto’s shop all those years ago, then to meet her again after ten years of separation. There was the kiss they never should have shared while on Naboo and the one that sealed their love forever when on Geonosis. Their secret marriage flashed through his mind and the promise to love each other until their dying days. All the precious moments they were able to steal together rushed forward, along with the long distance communications. He saw the very moment she had told him she was pregnant and how it had been a happy moment for him - the happiest of his life. He saw them lying in bed, their hands intertwined together as they rested atop Padmé’s swollen abdomen, smiling and happy as they discussed whether they were having a boy or a girl.

“We had one of each,” Vader heard an echo of a voice say in the back of his mind and he knew it was the man he used to be. ‘Padmé,’ he thought and all memories of his beloved wife, even the most recent from the time he had spent with her in his dreams, completely returned to him.

In that moment Vader watched as a small figure, one he hadn’t seen and allowed himself to forget about, took form and was standing protectively over Luke. Ethereal in her shape, she still stood solid and whole, watching him with tear-filled eyes that pleaded and longed for him. Yet they held an anger and bitter determination that made his heart clench.

“Stop this, Anakin. Save our son or I will never forgive you!”

The tears fell freely down her cheeks and as he looked upon her Darth Vader knew what he had to do. In that instant he retreated and Anakin Skywalker came forward to claim what was rightfully his.

----

Not long after Anakin lay in his son’s arms dying but redeemed. To his side knelt the woman he had lost everything for, especially himself. He finally had what he’d wanted for so long: his wife and son by his side. …If only Leia were there.

----

Anakin asked Luke to help him remove his mask. He wanted to see his son with his own eyes just once before he died. Luke obliged him, despite the protests, and as they lay there in the hangar bay Anakin, finally, felt complete.

Padmé had never once left his side and as he lay back on the ramp of the Imperial shuttle he caught a glimpse of her before closing his eyes forever. ‘I finally found you, Padmé. Please…wait for me.’

‘I’m here, my love. The war is finally over and we can be together.’

----

Standing beside Obi-Wan and Yoda, Anakin watched his children celebrate their victory over the Emperor and the man he had once been. He hoped and prayed they’d be able to right all the wrongs he had helped commit, restore all the systems and lives he had destroyed. Looking at Luke and Leia he knew they had a long struggle ahead of them but he had the confidence they could do it. They were his children after all…his and Padmé’s.

His thoughts lingered on her well after he, Obi-Wan and Yoda had left the festivities. He didn’t know how he was going to face her or if he even could.

“Waiting for you, someone is,” Yoda said, giving Anakin a knowing look.

Looking off in the distance Anakin saw her, his angel, waiting for him. The pulse in his body tightened and quickened and he swallowed hard to try and relax himself.

Obi-Wan sensed the uncertainty in Anakin and putting a gentle hand on his shoulder reassured him. “Go to her, Anakin. She’s been waiting for so long.”

Looking at his former master, Anakin saw that twinkle in Obi-Wan’s eye, the same one that told him things were going to be all right. With renewed confidence he began to make his way to where his wife was. Each step that brought him closer he could feel the love he had always felt for her swell and threaten to explode. Yet each step carried the shame for the sins he had committed the past twenty-three years. How could she forgive him and still love him after all he had done? He didn’t deserve her, not when they were alive and especially not now.

Anakin was only a few meters from her when he broke into a run. He had to hold her, he had to touch her, feel her, make sure it was real and she was really there. Like in his dreams, only better.

When he finally reached her her name broke from his lips in a strangled sob and he pulled her into his arms. He caught her lips in a deep, desperate and passionate kiss. All the years of being apart, separated by death, poured into the kiss and he couldn’t express enough how much he had missed her and needed her. Padmé’s kiss was just as fevered and he was amazed. Here he was receiving love from a woman he had no right getting it from. Anakin began to tremble from the realization of it all.

His knees buckled soon afterwards and Anakin broke the kiss. Falling to his knees, he wrapped his arms tightly around Padmé’s waist and buried his head in the folds of her dress. “Padmé, I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry,” he mumbled, shaking his head from side to side as his body racked with sobs. “I’m sorry for everything I’ve done, for what I became.” He took a gulp of air and continued. “How can you forgive me? How? I don’t deserve it. I don’t!”

Wrapping one arm around his shoulder, Padmé took the hand of the other and ran her fingers through Anakin’s hair. “Ani, look at me,” she said softly. When he shook his head no, much like an ashamed child would do, she reached down to cup his chin and gently tilted his head to look at her. She saw the tears streaking his face and she gently wiped them away. She then gave him a loving smile, telling him that everything was going to be okay. “What’s done is done. We can’t change the past. All we can do is move forward.”

“But the things I’ve done. How-?” There was desperation and a deep sadness in his voice. He stared at Padmé wondering how she could be so forgiving.

“I had faith in you, Anakin,” she interrupted, answering his unasked question. “Not at first, but I learned to. This war took a bit longer and you became lost along the way, to me as well as to yourself. Even when I thought I had lost you completely, deep down I knew - someday you’d make it back to me, someday you’d find your way again. And you have. You’re here.” She then pulled him up to stand with her and wiped away the rest of his tears. Her arms went around his waist and she leaned into him, tilting her head up to kiss his chin. “And now everything can be as it should,” she continued with promise in her voice.

“Everything?” Anakin asked, seeing the hope and love and devotion sparkle in her eyes. He wanted so badly to believe her. Maybe he actually could.

“Everything,” she nodded. “You’ll see.” She then brought one hand up to twine into his hair and she pulled his head down to hers. Before their lips met in a tender and loving kiss she whispered, “It’ll all be better this way.”

<<back to original trilogy era p/a fanfiction
<<back to p/a fanfiction