The Moons of Iego: The Padmé Amidala & Anakin Skywalker Website

FAN FICTION : EPISODE III ERA (PRE-ROTS)

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All That Was Left Was Coldness

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Disclaimers: K, Padmé (Queen Amidala), Anakin Skywalker, Obi-Wan Kenobi, Sabé, Rabé, Saché, and who ever else I mentioned that is associated with SW in any way, belong to George Lucas. The song is "Hate This Place" by the Goo Goo Dolls. This story may also resemble other stories written before this (most likely it does) but I wrote this. Every single word. (Well, except for the songs...and the names...and the...) So...please don't spam me 'cause it resembles your story. I meant no harm. I just felt like writing a SW3 story... 'Sall. Um...enjoy? (Oh, and I might have a coupla typos, ignore them please...)

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Gone away
Who knows where you been?
You take all your lies and wish them all away

She stared at the unwrinkled side of the bed. There was no imprint in the pillow. The sheets were not ruffled and the usual full cup of tea did not sit on the nightstand. Not a pair of pants, underwear, or even a belt littered the floor.

The sight was enough to make Padmé cry. There was nothing even indicating he even had ever once been there, loved her, been happy.

She closed her eyes, trying to fight the grief bubbling up inside her. He had utterly abandoned her.

She took a deep, shuddering breath, and opened her eyes again. The room had not changed. It was still so empty, so very empty.

Like her heart.

Sabé stood in the doorway, surveying the scene. She went up and put consoling arms around her best friend and beloved queen. "He's not coming back, is he?"

Padmé didn't answer. She doubled over and fell to her knees, pulling from her friend's comforting grasp, sobbing. She didn't need anyone to comfort her. No one but him.

And he was gone.

Sabé left her to cry in peace, expecting her to come see her when she needed to. She knew the best way to handle such situations was to let them take their own course.

Except Padmé didn't exit the room. She didn't come see her.

She bottled up her emotions and only let them loose in the privacy of their bedroom, her sanctuary.

It was all she had left of him...

I somehow doubt
We'll ever be the same
There's too much poison
And confusion on your face

The sun never rose in the same beauty to Padmé. It bathed the beautiful, whitewashed city of Theed in a red-gold light, making all seem peaceful and at ease.

It's lying, she thought, pressing her nose to the window.

The cool surface chilled her so, making her shiver. It wasn't so much the surface of the window that froze her. It was the icy grip of loneliness and despair that was slowly freezing the warmth and compassion she had once felt. The burning flame of his love was gone, and so was the warmth she had once felt and depended on.

She closed her eyes in the pain of the memory that was threatening to play just for her mind's eye.

The sanctuary of the eyelids did not stop the memory she was fighting to stay back. It played before her, and she felt as if she was there, feeling the hurt, anger, and fear.

"Where have you been?"

Anakin stared at her silently, and the coldness of his eyes bathed her in fear. "It is of no relevance to you."

"'No relevance'?" she repeated. "Anakin! I'm your wife. I should have the right of knowing where you were when you were supposed to be at our anniversary dinner! Do you know how embarrassing that was? My husband not even showing up..." She fought back tears.

A shimmer of Anakin's old warmth and compassion returned and stayed put for the first time in the last few weeks. He gathered her up in his arms. "Oh, Padmé, I'm sorry..."

She flinched, her eyes snapping open. No, she thought. Don't think. Don't remember.

Oh, how much she wanted not to remember! The pain had not receded yet, and she didn't need a recollection of the events that had caused it.

It was of no use, her fight. She lost quickly.

"You're not forgiven, Anakin!" she snapped, pulling away from him. "You think you can just come here, after skipping the dinner, after humiliating me in front of my people, and just say 'I'm sorry,' and everything'll be alright? Well, you've got something else coming for you!"

She marched over to the closet and grabbed a blanket and pillow, and threw them at Anakin. "Go away! Leave me alone! I don't want to see you again!"

She burst into tears and ran into the bathroom.

Padmé shuddered. How she wished she had not been so blind then. She wished she had seen the bruise on Anakin's cheek. She wished she had seen the tear in his tunic, the way his shoulders slumped.

He had done something very difficult. He had beaten a long battle with himself, finally fighting the evil. The coldness in his eyes had been the lack of sleep. She hadn't seen the bags under his eyes, the cut above his eyebrow.

And when she had run into the bathroom, she had missed the tears and hurt in his eyes as he stomped away.

For good.

Can you feel it?
I didn't mean it
Can I see you?
What are we doin'?
I think I love you
But I ain't saying nothing you don't know

She made the bed up, fluffed up her pillow; and after staring at it for a moment, fluffed his too, as she always had.

She went into the bathroom and scrubbed the tearstains off her face. She tried to conceal the bags under her eyes with makeup, and the redness in her eyes with eye drops. She brushed her hair up, put on some unwrinkled clothes, and studied the finished result.

There. She was ready to leave the shelter of her bedroom.

She shut the bathroom door behind her, and walked to the door, ready to leave. But then she glanced down and bit her lip. Tears welled up in her eyes and a lump formed in her throat.

She was not quite sure why she felt such confusing sadness, standing at the door; it was a moment before she realized it.

This was the last place she had seen her best friend and husband: standing here, holding the blanket and pillow, a look of such hurt and disappointment in his eyes...

"Why did I have to be so hard on him?" she whispered.

No answer came. Only a chilling silence that enveloped her. She got on her hands and knees and bowed her head in sorrow, resting her forehead on the door, somehow hoping for his warmth.

All she felt was coldness.

Hold on dreamaway
You're my sweet charade

Padmé tried to ignore the concerned glances Sabé kept sending her from her designated seat beside her throne. She continued with her paperwork, biting her lip to keep from breaking down and crying.

Her heart was beating painfully slow, her breath coming out ragged, each such a labor she yearned to stop breathing.

The lump in her throat limited her to so much...

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry...

The mere thought of the word "sorry" caused such a wave of emotions within her she actually made visible the pain and torment she felt.

Sabé stared at her, tears in her eyes. She wasn't going to let anyone know how she felt...

Gods, Anakin, **** you!

She stood and stomped over to right in front of her queen.

Padmé felt a shadow fall over her and looked up. Sabé stood right in front of her, hands on her hips, a look of scowling, sadness, and fear all blended together. "You listen here, Padmé. If you're going to be so **** depressing, you can at least let me in on what you're thinking. I miss him too. I loved him too. He was like a little brother to me. Always so sunny, joking. But could be serious too, mind you." Her eyes seemed to glaze over as she thought of him. "But you shouldn't ruin you're life over him! I'm sure he'll be back if he really loved you. It's not your fault." She put her hand comfortingly on Padme's shoulder, staring into her eyes, hoping for a response, hoping her queen would grab the hand reaching out to drag her out of the darkness she was slowly sinking into.

"Sabé, please," Padmé whispered, looking down. "Please...you don't..."

The look in her best friend's eyes was not soft or comforting. It was strong and intense. "No, Padmé, we're going to have to talk about him! I... I can't stand you like this... Just to be around, it's like a dark cloud of grief smothers me. You're not alone, Padmé, I'm trying to tell you that. We all loved him. Why won't you let us help you?"

Padmé looked down and a stifling darkness covered them both. Sabé left, without a bow or any sign of respect for her queen.

She doesn't know. She doesn't know he left because of me. I...told him to leave. He was only following something I told him to do... She's wrong. It is my fault. Not his...

Padmé placed her palms down on the marble, wishing for support without giving any.

The coldness remained.

Take your time
Move yourself to me
Yeah I can take your lies
Until you fall away

"A visitor for you, your highness," came Rabé's voice at the door. "May I bring him in?"

Padmé looked up. Her friend was timidly hiding behind the door, only her head poking through. "Yes, yes, of course."

Rabé gently closed the door and Padmé eased herself in her throne, trying to regain her once easily found regal composure.

The door opened again and a blast of cold air hit her suddenly, as if someone had opened a window. But there was no window open...

She fixed her eyes on the door as if opened. A figure clad in black entered. A cloak dark as midnight concealed the figure and cast shadows across the face.

She immediately wondered how the person had managed to get by her handmaidens and security dressed like that.

She soon got her answer, as she met the person's icy blue eyes.

She flinched, suddenly realizing just how familiar this person was.

Her lips said "Anakin" but her throat refused to oblige, so all that came out of her was a hoarse breath. She stared at him in silence.

She would have run at him in joy, hugged him, kissed him, begged for forgiveness. That is, she would have if she had been permitted to. But something about his presence forbid such an action, and the sense chilled her inside and out.

His footsteps echoed in the great hall as he casually approached her throne, glancing here and there. His cloak swished silently against the marble floor, every now and then moving so just to reveal the silver handle of a lightsaber hooked to his belt.

It was as if he was threatening her to move.

Finally, after what seemed a thousand years of forbidding silence, he looked up at her and smiled a smile that was so Anakin, but wasn't...

"Forever at work, I see. You haven't changed," he commented in a cold, steel voice.

A lump formed in her throat. What happened to his warm, loving voice? He'd always been such a warm person... Now he was just cold, cold, cold. His icy aura was actually tangible. She felt it prick her skin.

He went on, idly running a black-leathered hand over her desk, "Although I do sense a very dark gloom over you. You miss me, don't you?"

Her heart was beating a mile a minute. She had an urge to move her hand, which rested on her desk, away when his approached it. She fought it down.

It's Anakin, she told herself. He would never hurt you.

A part of her mind kept insisting on a danger she refused to see.

Why is he so cold then?

He slowly met her eyes and an icy smile played across his lips. "You fear me."

It wasn't a question. It was a statement.

"N-n-no," she stuttered. "Of c-course not."

He laughed and the sound of it echoed awfully throughout the hall.

It's wrong! It's wrong! It's not him!

He pulled down the hood of his cloak and shook his head. He leaned over her desk and put his face up close to hers. "You cannot hide anything from me, Padmé," he whispered. "We're forever connected. Nothing can break that."

She flinched and unconsciously pulled back.

He didn't seem put down. He just smiled that awful smile and put his hand over hers.

Her breath caught in her throat and she tried to calm down.

It's Ani. It's Ani. It's Ani. He still loves you. He'd forgive you...

He turned her hand over and studied it for a moment.

Though she tried, she could not stop it from shaking.

He abruptly threw it back down, casting it away, like it was something he no longer needed.

"W-what happened to you?" she managed out, still trying to calm herself back down.

He looked up, surprised. "What happened to me?" he repeated. He laughed. "Nothing happened to me."

"Then why are you d-dressed like that?"

"Like this?" He studied his clothing like he hadn't noticed them before. He looked up and met her eyes. His eyes were no longer just cold. They were a burning cold. They hurt her. "Because it's what I am."

"But, Anakin, you're-" she started.

"Who's this 'Anakin' you keep thinking about, anyway?" he interrupted. "You keep thinking 'he's Ani, he's Ani.' Who's 'Ani?'"

She was shocked. "But...you are..."

The same evil, heart-wrenching laugh echoed through her body. "Me? No, no. That name no longer holds any relevance to me, my dear. I am Darth Vader. Don't call me Anakin."

"But...but..."

"Yes?" he asked pleasantly.

She stammered it out. "But that's the name of a Sith!"

"And your point is...?"

She felt as if he'd slapped her. The force of the words seemed to smack her across the face. She actually reeled back in the seat. She stayed frozen and a silence as cold and dark as Anakin had become hung over the room. She stared into his cold, unblinking eyes that so resembled the one she loved most.

He began to pace in front of the marble desk. He pulled his cloak off and tossed it into Sabé's seat next to hers, so that he wore only a black tunic, black belt, black trousers, and black boots. His tall, slender figure was revealed and Padmé saw he looked like he always had.

Once Anakin had left the Jedi Code when they married, his taste in clothing had gotten darker. It hadn't bothered her too much; he looked nice in dark colors.

But then, seeing him pace calmly in front of her, the dark texture of his clothing seemed to squeeze painfully at her heart.

She closed her eyes against him. The sight made her ache so...

"If you are not Anakin Skywalker," she whispered, forcing her words painfully out, "then why have you come before me?"

There was silence, only broken by her ragged, forceful breath as she tried not to cry.

When she slowly opened her eyes, she saw that he stood before her throne, head cocked to one side, studying her thoughtfully.

Her eyes stated the question she clearly couldn't say.

He finally broke the silence, talking in that steel voice he now possessed. "Why have I come back?" he said, softly tapping his gloved hand on the desk. "Oh, always alert, aren't you, Padmé? Don't miss a beat." He smiled. "I've come back for you."

I've come back for you...

Her heart skipped a beat. Did he still love her then? Was he truly a Sith? Or was this a prank he'd decided to pull on her?

As soon as her hopes rose from the ground, he stomped then down. "My Master told me I must come back for you. He told me you were of some use. You were needed in his future plans." The smile grew wider. "You're needed in my future plans. You are, after all, my wife."

Her lower lip trembled, though she tried to win the battle over her emotions; she lost. Tears streamed from her eyes. She closed them tightly. "I am married to a man named Anakin Skywalker, it's true. Not Darth Vader. If it is true, if you are what you say you are, this Darth Vader, then I order you to leave my presence. I do not want to see you again. Leave this palace. Leave this city. Leave this planet."

She was thrown back into her throne with such a force blood seeped from her nose. Pain racked her body as she contemplated something more painful than the physical agony he'd bestowed upon her:

He hit me. He hurt me. He caused me pain...

"Oh gods," she heard a voice whisper hoarsely. "What have I done?"

She squinted through the pain as Anakin started crying. He ran to her slumped form and encircled her in his arms and sobbed into her shoulder. "Forgive me. I never meant... Oh gods, I love you, Padmé... I didn't mean to... What have I done?"

The icy blast slowly receded and a flame began to warm her heart and soul.

You know I'm lost
Hiding in your bed
No I don't think it's wrong
It's just gone to my head

She woke the next morning, expecting to find Anakin snuggled under the covers beside her, but he was gone. All that was his was gone with him. All but for his gloves, which he had probably forgotten in his haste, which lay on the nightstand beside the bed.

Sheet wrapped about her, she slid across the bed to his side and picked them up. They were of a very soft, fine leather and smelled wonderfully new.

She had expected tears. It was an ordinary reaction to her now, after almost twenty years with none. But they did not come. The lump of guilt cleared from her throat and the look of contorted sadness, guilt, and excitement vanished, leaving her face as blank as a chalkboard wiped clean of its teachings. The only hint of what had once been so dominant of her features was a thin glaze over her eyes.

And soon that, too, cleared.

She smiled an emotionless smile and slipped the gloves over her small hands. They were large on her, and there was an extra amount of space above her fingertips. But she tightened the Velcro about her wrists and flexed her fingers, molding the gloves to more fitfully wrap about her hands.

She never took those gloves off again.

Can you feel it?
I didn't mean it
Can I see you?
What are we doin'?
I think I love you
But I ain't saying nothing you don't know

Sabé's forehead was wrinkled in worry as she watched her queen run suddenly, after sitting calmly in her throne, from the room, hand clasped over her mouth.

The dignitaries she had been speaking with both whirled around in surprise and she sped past them and out through the doors.

Sabé stood suddenly and made her way down the step from the throne and bowed at the stunned visitors. "I'm sorry. Excuse me please. Rabé, could you please address our guests?"

She hurried as quickly out the room as possible without losing any dignity in the process.

She found Padmé bent over a toilet in a nearby bathroom, vomiting.

"Your highness! Are you okay? Should I call the...?"

Padmé took a deep, gulping breath and looked up. She shook her head. "No, I'm fine."

She stood up and grabbed a towel, which she wet, and began to mop her face. It was a pasty sort of white tinged with green and one hand still clutched at her stomach.

"Padmé...?" Sabé whispered suddenly. "Has this been happening...a lot lately?"

Padmé looked up and nodded. "I'm fine though, don't worry. I don't have a fever or anything. Just a type of nausea every morning."

Sabé stared at her for a moment, trying to understand. It suddenly hit her. "You're pregnant, aren't you?"

Padmé smiled a little bit. "I don't know. I imagine so though." The smile turned wry. "I've had all the other symptoms."

Sabé's mouth formed a perfect 'o.' "Why haven't you told me?"

Padmé closed her eyes and leaned her head against the cool, tile wall of the bathroom. "Because I didn't want it to be so."

"But you've always wanted a baby! You were so upset when you couldn't have any..." Her voice trailed off as she saw Padmé give her an exasperated look.

"That was when I was happily married, Sabé," she said quietly. "What would people think if they saw me, with child, when my husband left me?"

"They'll notice sometime," Sabé pointed out.

Padmé shook her head slowly, almost acting like she didn't believe it, but Sabé knew she really did, just didn't want it to be so. A hint of a smile tugged at the corners of her lips. "Then let then notice sometime."

Hold on dreamaway
You're my sweet charade

Her stomach was rounding a bit in the next few months, but she and Sabé managed to hide her pregnancy from others. No one but they knew the Queen was with child.

At dusk, a few months later, as the Queen sat at her desk, working, Saché stuck her head in the door. "Your highness?"

"Yes?" Padmé said without even looking up from her work.

"Jedi Knight Obi-Wan Kenobi is here to see you."

Her heart lurched suddenly in a mixture of horror and excitement. It would be so good to see him again! She hadn't seen him since her and Anakin's wedding, though there had been messages and letters. He just hadn't been able to see them since.

Oh, but how he would remind her of the things in her past she dared not think of...

She looked up as he thanked Saché and closed the door behind him.

He bowed to her deeply. "Your highness."

She straightened in her seat. "Obi-Wan," she acknowledged. "It is good to see you."

He stood back up and smiled. "As it is to see you."

"I do not mean to sound rude," she said, "but you don't very often come here by means of a visit. What has happened?"

He laughed, but the laugh was not one of mirth; it was one of recognition of why he was truly here and of how grave it was. "It is true," he replied, "that I have come to tell you something of importance."

"What is it?" she asked worriedly, placing an unconscious hand over her stomach as protection.

Obi-Wan's eyes noticed this, but he didn't imply anything. "I understand Anakin disappeared months ago. He left one night and never returned."

Padmé nodded silently.

"I come to understand that you know of this, know that he has turned to the Dark Side and is now known as Darth Vader." He seemed reluctant to say what he had to. "I was sent to stop him. I met him on a planet called Kersho and saw, too late, the Dark Side had entirely consumed him. We had a fight, and soon it was beyond words and we fought, Master and Apprentice, with lightsabers."

He bit his lip. "He fell into a volcano, Padmé, and it was certain he was dead."

Her breath caught in her throat but she remained silent, straining to hear every last bit of the story.

Obi-Wan rubbed the back of his neck and adverted his eyes for a moment. "Well, he didn't die. Someone saved him, and he lost a lot of his body, but by machine, he still lives." He closed his eyes. "He is darker than he could ever be."

She fought down a wave of emotions and kept her face serene and blank. "And you have come to tell me this?"

Obi-Wan shook his head. "No. Not only. You're with child, Padmé. I can see it. His child."

She jumped. "How could you possibly know that?"

He smiled crookedly. "I can hear their heartbeats."

"Their?" she repeated.

"Yes. Twins."

She glanced down at her stomach in surprise.

"Anakin has gotten wind of your pregnancy," Obi-Wan went on. "He will surely come looking for you. The children will be very strong with the Force. They would be of use to them."

"They'll never have them!" she snapped angrily.

Obi-Wan nodded. "Of course not. I have come to take you away from Naboo, to somewhere safe, to have your children. I am sorry, though, your highness, but for the safety of the children, you would most likely have to give them up when they're babies. They can survive that way. They cannot if you keep them. Anakin could find you anywhere, if he had enough time. He knows you more than you know yourself. Your presence is coded inside of him."

Padmé bit her lip. "Where would I stay?"

"I think Bail Organa would take you in and keep you a secret."

She studied the gloves covering her hands and wiggled her fingers once more. "I shall do what I must for the safety of my children."

Hey whatcha do to me?
Would you come back to me?
Yeah I can't take another day
I ain't certain of it anyway

Padmé gently bundled Luke up in her arms, taking care of him one last time. She kissed his forehead and whispered, "I love you," before handing him over to Obi-Wan's waiting arms.

"You are sure they will take them?" she asked worriedly, lovingly caressing Luke's sleeping face.

Obi-Wan smiled. "Yes. They will."

"And you'll keep an eye on him, right?"

He nodded. "I'll be here as long as he's here, and maybe even longer."

She bit her lip. "I trust you," she said finally. She reached up and kissed Obi-Wan's cheek. "You were a true friend to me, as you were to Anakin."

"That means a lot to me," he told her softly as he left the transport. He turned around one last time before he stepped into the blazing desert sun. "He will be the hero Anakin was never able to be. I foresee it, Padmé. Don't cry too much. You're doing what's right."

I'm not messing with another life
Can I get on without you?
Tell me lies
That you
Know I need

She gave Leia to her friend Bail Organa and his wife a year later. She didn't cry as she kissed her and told her she loved her and that Organa was her new father. She merely told Leia to be strong and not to cry, that she would always be with her.

Leia blubbered and yelled as Padmé left the palace forever.

She went back to Naboo for the first time in years. She knew he'd be there, waiting for her, and sure enough, he stood at the entrance to the palace, no longer a man but a machine.

"Darth Vader," she said curtly. "You've been waiting for me this long?"

His voice was now truly steel, no longer just sounding of it. "Where is our son?"

The first thought that crossed her mind was that he didn't know about Leia. She quickly quieted her mind though, remembering Anakin could read it like a book.

"We have no son, Lord Vader," she told him bravely. "My husband and I have a son. But since my husband is dead, I am the only one with a son."

"Do not play games with me, Padmé," he snapped. "You will tell me where our son is or I will force you to."

She smiled confidently, seeing his weakness before even he could see it. "You will never know where my son is, Sith. And you will not force me to tell you. You can't. I can still see Anakin in you, hiding under all that darkness. I see him. I see it in the way you say 'son.' No matter how forcefully you say it, there's love behind it. You love him. As you love me."

He didn't move to hurt her or stop her as she turned around and left him. Maybe he was in shock. Maybe he knew he couldn't cause her any physical pain.

But she walked right away from him, scars hidden on the inside. She flexed her fingers in his gloves one more time before pulling them off and tossing them in a trash dispenser in the gardens.

She no longer needed their strength or warmth or love. She had all that she needed in the memory of Anakin Skywalker and the two children they'd had together that would someday bring some type of peace to the galaxy.

She had enough strength, now. And the cold slowly receded from her heart and soul.

Hold on dreamaway
You're my sweet charade
Hold on dreamaway
You're my sweet charade

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