The Moons of Iego: The Padmé Amidala & Anakin Skywalker Website

FAN FICTION : ALTERNATE UNIVERSE

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A Notion In The Mind's Eye

by Daenarrah

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Time frame: immediately post RotS.
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: I don’t own the characters used here. They are property of Uncle George.

If he wished hard enough maybe the memories would go away. Maybe he could finally face each day and night and not be tormented by the visions that tore through his head. They had haunted him for so long, scraping a jagged path along his senses and playing roulette with his conscience. He never knew when he was going to be blasted with a quick shot of agony or if he was going to endure hours upon end of numbness. All he knew was that he couldn’t escape the image of Padmé’s still form crumbled before him after he had tried to take her breath away. It burned in his mind and left a wound that he knew would never heal. And if it did it would leave a scar that would never fade.

He knew no matter how much he wished to be free of the anguish he also knew it was his punishment. It was a sentence he had to serve. The punishment fit the crime and he was guilty as charged.

No matter how much she said she loved him, Padmé still knew his actions were inexcusable. She bore scars of her own and guarded them fiercely.

How does one love a man who tried to kill her? Anakin knew.

****

Shaky fingers reached out to touch her, to see if she was all right, to find out if he had really harmed her. So close; he pulled them away in a frantic motion, afraid of what they might do to her. Afraid they would try to finish what had been started moments ago, even if it wasn’t what he truly wanted.

It was the one thing he had been trying to prevent all along!

“Pa-Padmé,” he stammered, looking at her with fevered eyes. His breath came in short tremulous chops and his body shook uncontrollably as he knelt by her side. “Padmé…Please.” He wanted to touch her but he was so afraid to.

“Was it worth it, Anakin?” the crisp, tight and accented voice of Obi-Wan asked from where he stood above his former brother. “All the Jedi you killed, the younglings-” His voice suddenly broke and Anakin glanced up to see his former master closing his eyes and swallowing hard, working to compose himself.

“Everything you knew, Anakin! Was it all worth it in the end? Is this what that great power you speak of promised you?” He gestured towards Padmé’s prone figure lying on the landing pad and disregarded the glare that was being leveled at him. “What about the grand Empire?” A heavy moment passed between the two before Obi-Wan finished. “All of it was for nothing and yet you’ve lost everything.”

“NO!” Anakin yelled, torn between lunging at Obi-Wan and staying by Padmé’s side. He was still reeling from the revelation that Master Yoda had defeated Darth Sidious. Somehow, his new master was gone. Against all odds it happened. With this news all the promises the Sith Lord had made came crumbling and crashing down on him and spun out of his reach like ashes on the wind. There would be no way of saving Padmé now and to hear Obi-Wan reinforce that was more than Anakin could take. He hovered over her protectively and spat out, “I still have Padmé! I won’t lose her!”

Something inside him snapped at that instant and he felt like that frightened little boy who used to look to his master for comfort after having another nightmare. Tears welled up in his eyes and he looked at Obi-Wan pleadingly. “I can’t.” His voice broke and it sounded so small. “She means everything to me. She’s all I have left. Her and the baby.”

Taking in a strangled breath, he bowed his head and let the tears fall. “Please, Obi-Wan…I can’t lose her.”

An uneasy silence passed between the two, punctuated by the roar of the lava rivers flowing past the platform. Anakin knew Obi-Wan was watching him closely but he didn’t care. Lifting his head to look at Padmé he finally found the courage to run his fingers lightly across her cheek. She was warm, hot almost and a hard rasp of air left his lungs.

That’s when he heard a low moan and watched as Padmé turned her head into his touch. His lips trembled with a smile and he breathed a sigh of relief. She was alive; she was going to be all right.

“An-Anakin?” Padmé mumbled, swallowing and fluttering her eyes open to look at him.

“Yes, I’m here, my love,” he told her in the best soft and reassuring voice that he could manage.

She smiled slightly at him. “You came back. You came back to me.”

Anakin nodded, continuing to rub her cheek with his knuckles. “And I promise we’ll never be apart again.”

“I love you,” she whispered then closed her eyes again.

An instant panic set in, rattling up his spine and Anakin started calling frantically to her. No, he couldn’t lose her.

He felt a strong hand on his shoulder and he looked up to see Obi-Wan kneeling down across from him. “We have to get her to the nearest Med Center,” he said, looking down at her with concern.

Anakin looked at him warily then slowly nodded his head. Padmé was all he had left and he had to find some way to save her. Carefully picking her up he carried her to her skiff. Along the way the last words she spoke echoed in his head. “I love you”. For reasons he couldn’t explain, they created an uncomfortable feeling in his chest and his heart began to ache unbearably.

****

The pain had grown steadily since and he knew it would consume him if he allowed it. All his defenses told him to fight. It wouldn’t do him any good to be lost to the grief that threatened to pull him under. Part of him, though, said he deserved it. He deserved to feel such anguish. It’d serve as a reminder to all Padmé had endured at his hand.

Staring harshly down at the black gauntlet, he cursed the alloy prosthesis encased in it that had been a piece of his body for the past three years. He cursed it and blamed it for taking away a part of his humanity. He believed it was that loss that allowed him to become a monster, that allowed him to hurt his wife. He hated himself for it and he wanted more than anything to tear the prosthesis off. To remove any signs of the monster he had blindly allowed himself to become and be human again. The pain to accompany such an act would be horrendous - he was almost sure of that - but it was one he’d withstand if it meant drowning out the pain that was slowly overwhelming him.

He knew better, though. That pleasure would be short-lived and he’d be back to fighting a losing battle. One he didn’t want to succumb to but he felt himself slipping to every day that he remained away from Padmé. Every day that he remained contained in the room that saved him from the outside world while his soul was leeched out of him.

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Anakin looked at Obi-Wan through the transparisteel door of his room. His expression pleading and one of desperation, all he wanted was to see his wife. “Obi-Wan, please, I have to see her. I just want to know if she’s all right, and the baby.”

Anakin placed the palms of his hands on the door - one flesh the other not - and Obi-Wan watched as they fidgeted and moved up and down the transparisteel. A tight knot formed in his stomach. He could tell his old Padawan was longing for any kind of contact, even if it was just another set of hands placed over his from the other side of a two centimeter thick door.

“Anakin…I’m sorry. Padmé won’t be able to see you,” Obi-Wan told him sadly. Anakin still hadn’t faced it. “Even if she could it wouldn’t be possible.”

“Why?” Anakin’s voice wavered, begging for an answer.

Closing his eyes, Obi-Wan turned away from his fallen Padawan. He couldn’t bear to see the misery that resided on Anakin’s face and had settled in his features. “You know the reason,” he answered, not able to say anymore.

Anakin pressed his forehead against the transparent door and struggled to keep from crying. “I just want to see her.”

A painful sigh pushed past the former master’s lips before turning to look at Anakin again. “She won’t come to you. Even with all the love she has-” He paused, trying to find just the right words to say what he wanted and not break his former Padawan further. He couldn’t, however. Nothing he’d say would be right. “She can’t…not anymore.”

Obi-Wan felt his heart being torn out when he heard a torturous moan rip its way free from Anakin’s chest. He then watched the broken man stumble to one of the corners of his room and slide down the wall, collapsing in on himself and wrapping his arms around his head while he slowly began to rock back and forth.

It was all Obi-Wan could do to keep himself from crying and a tear streaked down his cheek while he whispered, “I’m sorry.”

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He was told she wouldn’t come and he first thought he was hallucinating when he heard her voice say his name. Want and need can be so cruel when they turn on you. The tricks they play can be brutal. And Anakin didn’t know if he had the strength to keep fighting.

Then he heard his name again, loud and clear. “Anakin.” This time he knew it was real.

Snapping his head up, he saw his angel standing at the door looking at him. Her belly swollen and round with the life of their child. Yet, she looked pale and she had large circles under her eyes which shown loudly with a myriad of emotions he never wanted to see from her - fear, sorrow, doubt. A sharp twinge of guilt stabbed at his heart; he knew he was the reason she looked the way she did. At that moment he thought he didn’t deserve to be in her presence.

Despite that he rushed to the door as fast as his Jedi skills would allow him and pressed up against the transparisteel. He wanted so desperately to touch her to know she and their baby was whole and all right. “Padmé,” he managed to say, his voice shuddering as his eyes darted over her face. He couldn’t believe it after what Obi-Wan had told him. “I was told you wouldn’t come. That you couldn’t.”

Padmé stared back at him, her hands resting on her abdomen and her eyes looking forlorn and hollow. “I shouldn’t be here,” she said barely above a whisper.

“But I’m glad you are. I had to see you.”

Padmé could hear the desperation in his voice and a small sad grin pulled at her lips. “I know.”

An uneasy silence passed between the two. Anakin noticed how pronounced the circles under her eyes were and he asked her in concern. “Are you all right?” He struggled to get the words out. “You look like you’re not sleeping well.”

“I sleep too much.” She turned her head slightly and stared blankly at nothing in particular. “All I want to do is sleep and never wake up.”

The words sent a chill scraping down his spine. “Don’t say that, Padmé.”

“I’m tired of living this nightmare,” she said, not hearing anything he had said.

Anakin winced; her words were like a slap in the face and he was helpless to do anything to make her feel better. “I’m sorry,” he whispered pathetically. Then his tone turned to one of desperation. “Please, don’t leave me. You and the baby are all I have. I can’t lose you.”

The last words he said made Padmé want to cry but she knew the tears wouldn’t come. “I don’t know what else I can do, Anakin,” she said feeling so lost. “After- after everything’s that happened…” She couldn’t look at him. It hurt too much - everything did.

“I don’t care what the galaxy thinks about or does to me, Padmé,” he suddenly burst out before she could say anything more. He wanted her to know how he felt. He wanted her to understand. “Chancellor Organa wants to make an example out of me that’s fine. I’ll pay for my sins, for all the Sith have done in whatever way the galaxy sees fit. They can punish me for all of Palpatine’s lies, I don’t care. All I want is for you to forgive me.” He locked eyes with Padmé, pleading with her, begging.

“I want to, Ani,” Padmé said quietly, looking at him now with sorrowful eyes. Breaking contact with him, she looked away again, bringing her hand up to her throat in what had now become an unconscious habit. “I’ve tried.”

Anakin felt his heart crumble at the gesture and he thought he might collapse right there. Padmé hid her wounds well but he knew better. “I know…the bruises are still there. You think I can’t see them but I do. And every day they remind you of what I’ve done.” At that moment he wanted to fall down on his knees and beg her for forgiveness. Beg her to believe him when he said he never meant to hurt her. He knew it wouldn’t work, however. He didn’t deserve it either. Just as he didn’t deserve her love anymore, didn’t deserve to be the father of her child. But she still came to see him.

The words terrified Padmé. Anakin could see it in her eyes and he felt his heart begin to splinter and crack. Slowly, she began to back away from the room, her haunted eyes never leaving his face. Her hand had left her throat but the bruises he had put there stood out against her pale skin, loud and angry.

He grimaced at the sight of them and pleaded with Padmé, “I can only hope that someday they’ll fade and you’ll still love me.”

Choking on his last words, Anakin closed his eyes tight, stifling the painful sob that was ripping his chest apart. Opening his eyes, he called her name again only to find Padmé gone. His heart completely shattered at that moment, all over again.

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“I don’t understand. How could this have possibly happened?!” Obi-Wan stormed down one of the halls of the maximum security Med Institute, Chancellor Organa on one side and Captain Antilles on the other. Turning to the captain, Obi-Wan demanded, “Explain to me once more how it is Anakin Skywalker got out of his room?”

“He overpowered one of the guards. The sentry was found out cold on the floor,” Antilles answered, swallowing hard. The words sounded ridiculous even to him.

“Yes, I’m quite aware of that.” Obi-Wan did nothing to hide the anger he felt. “What was he doing in Anakin’s room in the first place? No one but I and Master Yoda are allowed to enter.”

Captain Antilles was about to say more when one of his men appeared in front of them. “Chancellor, Captain, Master Kenobi,” he formally greeted the three men before informing them. “Skywalker was spotted entering 500 Republica.”

Obi-Wan and Organa exchanged knowing looks and the Jedi was quick to move. “I’m on my way.”

“Do you need back up?” Organa asked definite concern in his voice about what might happen.

“Thank you, Chancellor, but no.” Obi-Wan turned to look at him. “This is something I must do on my own.”

“Are you certain? Given the present situation-”

“Anakin is a danger right now, but only to himself. He’ll listen to me. He has before.”

With that Obi-Wan took off to retrieve his wayward former Padawan.

Chapter 2

The apartment was empty. Not a single trace was left behind of the life he had made there with Padmé, of the secret life he had spent the past three years hiding from everybody he knew. He would have given anything to have it back - the secrets and lies, all of it. Just to be able to walk through the door and see Padmé’s smiling face there to greet him. But it was never going to be that way again, no matter how much he wanted it to. Walking around the bleak and barren apartment he knew that. Padmé had left and she wasn’t coming back. He had held out hope for so long, but as he walked through each and every room and noticed the furniture she meticulously picked out and the Naboo art she had treasured were gone he knew she was too.

Closing his eyes, his body began to tremble and crack and he could feel a sob struggling to break free. Clenching his teeth hard, he was determined to keep it from escaping. He was weak enough already, he didn’t want to be any more.

Standing there he hoped that if he wished hard enough he’d open his eyes and everything would all be back. That he’d find out he’d just been having a horrible nightmare and he was finally waking up from it. That he’d find Padmé sleeping next to him, her arm wrapped protectively around the swell of their child. If he wished hard enough it would be like the past month had never happened. Calling on the Force he asked that his wish come true.

He felt himself disintegrate when he opened his eyes and nothing had changed.

----

He didn’t know how long he had been standing there, staring blankly at the empty walls, and he was too caught up in his own little world to hear Obi-Wan walk in. The next thing he knew his former Master was standing beside him and had placed a warm and comforting hand on his shoulder. The contact made him jump and it pulled him back to reality. He glanced briefly at Obi-Wan before returning to look around the apartment.

“She’s not here,” he said without preamble, his heart feeling as vacant as the room was. A long and heavy pause passed between the two before Anakin spoke again. “I thought that maybe, if I came back I’d be able to see her, make her understand. Find some way to make her love me again.”

“Anakin, she’ll always love you,” Obi-Wan said with all sincerity. Why then did the words feel so empty to him?

Anakin turned to look at his former Master. His eyes burned with anger and that surprised Obi-Wan. “If she did she would still be here,” he said, the tone of his words reflecting the way he felt. He faltered after that, the words dying on his lips. The realization of what he said and how was sinking in. Pain and longing quickly settled in and he turned his gaze away from Obi-Wan. Somehow finding the strength he continued on, his words despondent. “…She’d be waiting. But she’s not. Everything’s gone. She’s gone.” He turned his gaze back to his former Master but he was so distraught he might as well have been staring at nothing. “It all went back to Naboo, like she did…”

Obi-Wan watched Anakin closely and his heart went out to him. It was bad enough Anakin hadn’t been the same ever since he learned of Palpatine’s downfall. Like he had been told, all his actions had been for nothing and he now carried the sins of his crimes heavily on his shoulders. Now he was trying his best to keep from breaking ever since he had been told about Padmé’s departure. He put up a good front and was doing his best to keep his emotions under control. But Obi-Wan knew it wouldn’t last. Her leaving was something Anakin just couldn’t accept and he kept hanging on to the notion she’d return to him someday.

Obi-Wan wanted more than anything to tell him he was right but he knew he couldn’t. He couldn’t lie to the man who had once been his closest friend and brother. He had to keep telling him the truth no matter how much it hurt. “It had to, Anakin,” he said softly. “You know that.”

“Why doesn’t she love me anymore?” Anakin suddenly blurted out. His eyes swelled up with unshed tears. “Why doesn’t she want to be with me? Everything I did was for her. All of it.”

“Anakin-” Obi-Wan started, not wanting to try and rationalize a situation that was still too fresh and painful for him to deal with. Not wanting to relive that horrific day in his mind. Not wanting to understand how Anakin felt his actions would have benefited Padmé. He was stunned into silence by his former Padawan’s next words

“She came to see me, you know.” There was a trembling smile on Anakin’s face and he looked at Obi-Wan with unfocused eyes. “I know you said she wasn’t able to but she did. She looked so beautiful. Then she always does.” The smile quickly dropped and the air shifted.

Obi-Wan didn’t quite no what to think or say about Anakin’s revelation. It wouldn’t be possible for Padmé to come see him. Obi-Wan himself would have known about it. Yet the look on Anakin’s face told him otherwise. That was when he noticed just how light the atmosphere around them had become when Anakin was talking about Padmé. It was heavier now and it pressed down on his shoulders - on his heart too.

“But the marks on her neck - the bruises are still there,” Anakin said in a pained whisper. He focused on Obi-Wan now and a sudden burst of anger came forth. “It’s been a month and they’re still there! She tried to hide them from me but I saw them.” Closing his eyes tight a single tear escaped each eye, running down the sides of his face. He took a sharp breath and held it, his head shaking slightly before finally letting it out. “They’re to remind me of what I’ve done.”

A sad and mournful chuckle broke past his lips while he stared blankly through blurred vision around the apartment. Slowly, he began to take shuffling steps towards the veranda. “She’s afraid of me now. I saw it in her eyes. I guess I don’t blame her.” Anakin’s voice was monotone and it sent a thread of worry through Obi-Wan’s mind. Anakin carried on, though, like his former Master wasn’t even there. “She looked so sad. I’d do anything to make her happy again. I just want her back!” He partially turned to look back at Obi-Wan, and then his attention went elsewhere - staggering about, looking at nothing in particular. “But she doesn’t want me. She didn’t have to say it, but I know. She tells me she tries but-”

In an instant, and too fast before Obi-Wan knew what was happening, Anakin was standing on the edge of the veranda looking down into the descending cityscape. “What’s my life worth living for if I can’t be with her?” he yelled out, his voice broken and hot tears streaked down his face now.

“Anakin!” Obi-Wan rushed forward, praying the emotionally distraught young man wouldn’t do anything foolish. Praying he’d be fast enough if Anakin did. He froze when a pair of blue eyes turned and locked on to him.

“I mean it Obi-Wan. What’s it worth?” Anakin tried to demand he be answered but his words were too weak. Instead, he stared at the man standing only a few meters from him. His looked so desperately lost and vulnerable that it made Obi-Wan’s heart ache with a pain he could only imagine was minuscule compared to Anakin’s.

Obi-Wan had to think fast, though. He couldn’t let the man who had once been his closest friend and brother do something so - so. He didn’t allow time to finish the thought rather he focused on getting his wayward former Padawan away from the veranda’s edge and to safety.

“Don’t do this, Anakin,” he said to him in a steady voice. “Think about Padmé.” He saw Anakin flinch at the mention of her name and realized that might have not been the best thing to say. He also knew, however, she would be the one thing that would bring him back. Undeterred, he went on. “This isn’t what she would want you to do. You know that. She’d never forgive you for this and that’s what you want, isn’t it? Her forgiveness.”

Something shattered inside Anakin; Obi-Wan felt it. The bond they once shared so strongly was nothing more now than a weak thread, but Obi-Wan still felt it. He could see Anakin’s shoulders tremble as he lifted his head to the sky. Ragged breaths filled the air and Obi-Wan watched while Anakin struggled to maintain what little composure he might have had left.

Through the bond he could detect the guilt Anakin was feeling at considering such an act, and the shame that went along with it. He could also sense that Anakin knew he was right: Padmé would never forgive him. That was what he wanted more than anything. With that she’d be able to love him again, wholly and unconditionally.

“Come back to the center with me,” Obi-Wan soothed, taking a few cautious steps forward. “We can relax and talk.”

“What about Padmé?” Anakin blurt out, turning around to look at his former Master. “Promise me she’ll be there, Obi-Wan. Please.” His eyes were pleading and desperate again.

“I promise you I will try,” was all Obi-Wan could say in return.

“I want her there. I want to see her again.”

“Anakin, she’s on Naboo now,” Obi-Wan tried to reason amicably while gaining a few more steps. His words fell on deaf ears.

“I don’t care! I want to see her!”

The last remaining steps were taken in silence and Obi-Wan gave Anakin a sympathetic smile. “I know,” he said reaching out to grab Anakin’s upper arm in a way that he hoped would convey he was trying to understand.

Despite feeling distraught, Anakin watched his former Master intently, hoping he’d be able to get what he asked. He didn’t think it was too much. That’s when he felt a quick sharp prick on his arm. Looking down he saw Obi-Wan move his hand away; it looked like he had something in it. He looked at his former Master a bit bemused, wondering what he had done. Hoping that he hadn’t- The room started to get a bit blurry; next thing he knew everything went black.

Obi-Wan watched as his friend fell to the floor. It felt like his heart was breaking and he couldn’t get the ugly taste of betrayal and guilt out of his mouth. Looking down at the hypospray he held in his hand he scowled and flung it off the veranda. He didn’t want to have to use it but he felt he had no other choice. Anakin was teetering too close on the edge of so many things that he really didn’t know if he would have been able to get him back to the med center in one piece. He didn’t want to take the risk of Anakin hurting himself, and he honestly didn’t know if he would or not in his present state. He wasn’t volatile yet he wasn’t stable either and Obi-Wan feared he could go either way depending on what was said or done. So he used the hypospray as a last resort. It was something he hated doing.

Looking down at his comrade, who had fallen in so many ways, Obi-Wan knelt down and patted Anakin lightly on the arm. “I know,” he said softly as the other man’s words reverberated in his head. “And I’m sorry, my friend. I’m so very sorry.”

Not long after Captain Antilles and a few of his men had arrived at 500 Republica and, with Obi-Wan at his side, brought Anakin back to the med center.

Once Anakin was secure in his room, Obi-Wan watched somberly while he slept. He knew he’d be the target of Anakin’s anger but it was a risk he had to take. Sooner or later he would have to face the truth about Padmé. He’d have to accept it, and Obi-Wan would be there when that happened. He’d wait until then.

--------

Obi-Wan didn’t know what had hurt worse: the punch to the jaw received from Anakin shortly after waking up and finding them back in his room and with no Padmé in sight, or that Anakin now sat in silence refusing to talk to him, much less acknowledge his presence whenever him and Master Yoda were around. Anakin talked to the diminutive Jedi Master and that was it.

‘You tricked me! You lied to me!’ He remembered Anakin yelling at him. ‘You promised Padmé would be here. She’s not!’

Obi-Wan shook his head; he had made no such promise. He said he would try, nothing more. Still, he should have known Anakin wouldn’t hear it that way.

‘Deceiver! You’re no better than the Sith!’ Obi-Wan felt like he had just been run through with a lightsaber. To hear his former Padawan say those words after everything that had happened. Hadn’t he been betrayed enough? Hadn’t Anakin? They both had lost so much.

Still, Obi-Wan was able to start over with what few scraps he had left of his life. Anakin wasn’t. His life lay tattered and burned and completely ruined. Swallowing hard, the Jedi Master wondered, maybe he had betrayed Anakin, in a way he didn’t even realize.

Watching as Anakin glared lightning at him from his bed for a brief moment only to turn his head away, Obi-Wan felt his heart crumble.

“Talking to you, Skywalker still is not?”

The small Jedi Master’s words cut into Obi-Wan’s ruminations and he blinked a few times before answering. “No, Master Yoda,” he said with a sigh, sounding dejected. “It’s been a week now…” His eyes never left Anakin. He felt if he had been more alert and more aware he could have helped stop so many things. “Yet again I’ve failed him.”

“No,” Yoda said firmly, looking up at him. “Failed you have not, Obi-Wan. Back to the light you helped bring him. No longer is he consumed by Darth Vader.”

“I wish I could find comfort in your words, Master,” Obi-Wan said in return, glancing down at Yoda before turning his attention back to Anakin. “Look at him.” He made a small gesture with his hand. “His time as Vader may have been short-lived but it cost him everything.”

Yoda nodded at these words and leaned forward on his gimer stick. “Sadly, it is the punishment he must pay for his sins. Anakin knows this best out of anyone. Agrees with it, he does.”

“That’s what worries me, Master,” Obi-Wan said, concern heavy in his voice. “He hasn’t faced the truth. And I fear he never will.”

“Time, Skywalker needs. Give him time.” That was all Yoda said and he was definitive with his words.

Obi-Wan watched the old Jedi Master walk away and he whispered once Yoda was out of sight, “I hope you’re right, Master.” He then turned to look at Anakin who still had his face turned away. “I hope, by the Force, you’re right.”

Chapter 3

“Where is she? Where is she, Obi-Wan?” Anakin’s words were frantic, desperate as he pressed his hands flat against the transparent door - the only thing that separated him from his former Master. Yet the words rang with a determination that said he wasn’t going to be denied what he wanted. “You can’t keep her from me.”

“I’m not trying-” Obi-Wan began, figuring he’d say anything to appease Anakin. He was talking to him again. Even if it was just demands, it was better than nothing.

“She’ll come see me again,” Anakin cut him off, nodding his head in small quick jerks. “I know she will.” He locked eyes with Obi-Wan, daring him to challenge what he said.

A sardonic smirk twitched at the corner of his mouth. “You said she couldn’t. She wouldn’t be able to - not anymore.” He gave pause for a moment then went on. “She was here. Now I want to see her again. So you bring her and quit trying to keep her away from me.”

The look in Anakin’s eyes was dark, almost threatening and a spike of anger rose in Obi-Wan. He would have been downhearted from the Sith-like behavior from Mustafar Anakin was displaying, but he was too upset at the moment. Instead, he centered himself and released his anger into the Force.

“I have never tried to keep Padmé away from you, Anakin,” he said as calm and diplomatically as possible. “If she’s been here to see you, well- Who am I to doubt you?”

“Liar…” Anakin snarled out.

Unshaken by the accusation, Obi-Wan merely looked at him then went on. “You saw for yourself, her apartment is empty. Everything went back to Naboo with Padmé. That’s where she is and that’s where she’ll remain.”

“No. No.” The anger Anakin felt was suddenly gone and in its place was a distraught feeling of loss. Not only could it be heard in his voice but it showed clearly on his face. “I know she’s here. She has to be. I saw her! Where is she, Obi-Wan?”

“I already told you…” was all Obi-Wan could say. It was killing him enough to see the man he had dedicated thirteen years of his life to falling apart right before his eyes. And all because he couldn’t face the truth about Padmé. Obi-Wan had no doubt that she loved Anakin, and with a fierceness and loyalty that he was almost jealous of, but the fact remained. She was gone and she wasn’t coming back, not to Coruscant.

“NO!” Anakin cried, pounding his alloy fist on the door. “Bring her back. I want her back! I don’t care how. I want to see her.” His voiced cracked at that moment and he pleaded with his former Master. “I have to. I have to know if she and the baby are okay. I have to know if she forgives me - if she still loves me.” The tears began to fall again and Anakin did nothing to stop them.

All Obi-Wan could do was stare at Anakin, not knowing what to say. He had tried everything he could think of to get Anakin to understand and acknowledge the truth. But time and again his former Padawan had shown he didn’t want to face it, he didn’t want to accept it. The words were never spoken but Obi-Wan was fairly sure it was because Anakin was afraid - terrified to face it all. If he did then he would know he really had lost everything. Indeed all his actions, everything he had destroyed, all the lives he had ruthlessly cut down would have been for nothing. Obi-Wan was certain that admitting Padmé was gone would magnify and reinforce the truth about the monster he had become. It was a heavy burden and level of guilt he didn’t know if he’d be able to live with and Anakin had to for the rest of his life.

If seeing Padmé again would somehow relieve Anakin of his misery, even if only temporary, then Obi-Wan would take the fastest ship to Naboo and bring her back. If only he could. If only it were that simple.

Still he stood there, not knowing what to say, not knowing what to do. For the first time in his life Obi-Wan was at a loss as to how to comfort his friend.

“I-I’ll contact Naboo…if you’d like,” he said slowly, hating every word that came out of his mouth. He had to ask himself: why was he doing this? The look that crossed Anakin’s face gave him his answer. Then why did he feel like tearing his heart out?

“Please,” Anakin said in response, his eyes lighting up for the first time since coming back from Mustafar. “Tell her I just want to know if she and the baby are okay.”

A pregnant pause passed before Obi-Wan was able to answer. “…All right.” The bitter taste of betrayal filled his mouth the moment he said the words and a wave of nausea roiled through his stomach.

Letting out a strangled sigh of relief, Anakin closed his eyes and press his forehead against the door. “Thank you.” He opened his eyes and looked straight at Obi-Wan. “Thank you.”

Obi-Wan couldn’t even smile; he was too disappointed in himself for what he had done. He gave a quick nod then left, all the while the nausea continued to build.

--------

Two days passed and Anakin was becoming more and more distraught. Padmé had not shown up and Obi-Wan watched helplessly as his former Padawan spiraled further down into desolation. He knew Anakin loved Padmé, so he wasn’t too surprised to discover he had entered into a relationship with her. What did surprise him and he didn’t realize the severity of it until now was just how much Anakin loved her. It was like his very existence hinged on her and her every breath, every word she said. It was like he was alive because of her. This disturbed Obi-Wan but there was nothing he could no. Every day that Padmé was away was a day that Anakin slipped further away himself. And every day Obi-Wan felt his fears were one step closer to coming true. How much longer before he lost Anakin completely?

--------

She was there. After days of waiting and hoping and fearing she’d never come see him again, Padmé was there. Anakin rushed to the door the moment he saw her. Placing his hands on it he cursed the transparisteel that separated them. He wanted more than anything to take her in his arms and tell her how much he loved her and missed her - how much he needed her. He just wanted to touch her and hold her and feel her again. His body ached for the contact and for her warmth. None of that would be forthcoming and, sadly, he didn’t know when it would ever be again. Padmé had left him.

But like before, there she was to see him. It gave Anakin hope.

“How are you?” he asked tentatively after drinking in her presence.

“I’m fine,” was her answer in a small quiet voice.

“And the baby?” His eyes traveled down to her abdomen. He wanted so badly to reach out and touch it, to feel his child move under his hand and know everything was all right.

“Fine.” She wrapped her hands protectively around her belly. “We’re both fine.”

The way Padmé stood instantly gave Anakin the impression that she was trying to protect their baby from him, from the monster he had become. Was she really afraid he might harm it - the way he had her? The thought sent a chill down Anakin’s spine and a horrible ache swelled up in his chest. He didn’t want her to be afraid of him. That was the last thing he wanted. He swallowed hard; he knew he had no one to blame but himself for the way things were between them now.

However, he decided he wasn’t going to let the pain he felt and the uncertainty about their future control him. Not now when she was standing in front of him, beautiful and so alive. The dark circles were still under her eyes but it didn’t matter. Just to be able to see her again was more than he could have asked for.

Looking at her swelling abdomen he noticed just how far along she was. “You- It could be any day now.”

Padmé nodded but Anakin didn’t notice. He was too busy trying to recover from the mental blow his own words had given him. They hit him with a resounding crash and as they sunk in he realized he might not be there for the birth of his child - he most likely wouldn’t be. The thought was unbearable; he swore his heart stopped. His mind began to race. There had to be a way for him to be present for the birth. What could he do? He’d have to bring it up to Obi-Wan and Yoda. He’d beg them if he had to. He had to be there! If he was able to do this maybe, just maybe Padmé would finally find reason to forgive him and come back.

Unable to keep it in, Anakin put his thoughts to words. “I want to be there when the baby’s born. I don’t know how but I’ll find a way.”

Padmé didn’t say anything. She just stood there silently, looking at him.

Padmé’s lack of response sent a spike of fear running through Anakin, worse than he had ever known before. “You do want me to be there?” he asked, his voice trembling. “Padmé? …Please. This is my child too.”

“I know, Anakin.” She was silent a moment then continued. “But I’m on Naboo now. That’s where the baby will be born. That’s where I belong.”

Anakin bowed his head and closed his eyes, her words stung with a sharpness he hadn’t expected. He read through the lines. She didn’t want him there. He wasn’t going to give up that easily, though. He wasn’t going to lose her.

“You belong with me,” he said firm and clear. “Here, Naboo, anywhere. I don’t care. We belong together, Padmé. You, me, our baby. You know we do.” He was looking straight into her eyes and willing her to understand and agree. “Just give me a chance and you’ll see.”

Tears welled up and Padmé stared back at her husband with such longing and pain and confusion that she didn’t know what to do. “Oh Anakin…I want that more than anything. I want it to be that simple…But I don’t know how.”

“Just say you love me,” Anakin said his voice low. “Please,” he added when she didn’t answer right away.

Padmé continued to look at him, a hint of fear skimming along the edges of her features. Like before, she didn’t know what to say. Finally casting her eyes down, she took a few steps back. She didn’t know if she could say what he wanted to hear, everything still hurt so much.

“Padmé!” Anakin cried, instantly terrified she was leaving him again. “Please. I can’t- I can’t lose you. I can’t live without you.”

She gave him a sad smile. “I can’t live without you, Ani. I’ve tried but I can’t. I wouldn’t even know how.”

“Then forgive me,” he begged, feeling no shame in it. He’d do anything to get Padmé to love him. “Please. Let me come home. Let me be with you and the baby.”

Taking in a small shaking breath, Padmé’s hand fluttered to her neck only to leave just as quickly. She realized what she had done. “But- but how do I know-?”

“Because I promise!” he cut her off, her unconscious act spurring his outburst. He winced visibly, pulling his hands away from the door when he saw her cringe in response. “I promise I’ll never hurt you again.

“I know what I’ve done and all the horrible mistakes I’ve made. I’m not that man anymore.” He said it all with earnest. “I’ll pay for my sins. All I need is you beside me and I know I’ll be a better man. Please, Padmé, give me a chance.” He paused, gazing at her intently, wanting her to see all the love he felt for her in his eyes. A sad, slight quirk of a smile fluttered at the corner of his mouth. “You’re the only one who can save me.” He felt his body begin to tremble.

Padmé took a few steps towards the door and gathering the strength to say what she wanted to say she looked him straight in the eye. “I don’t know how I can, Anakin. I couldn’t even save myself. We couldn’t save each other.”

“Don’t say that. Please, don’t say that,” he said, panic lacing the edges of his voice.

“It’s true. You know that as well as I do.”

“I know I love you,” he replied with conviction, placing his hands on the door again. “And if it takes the rest of my life to prove it and get you to forgive me then I’ll do it. I want you to believe in me again, to tell me you do. Please, Padmé, tell me you love me. Tell me you forgive me. I need to hear you say it. I need to know that what we had is worth saving…that- that I am. I‘ll leave everything behind - we can - and start over. Please?”

Gingerly Padmé placed her hand on the transparisteel door, lining it to match up with Anakin’s. She noticed how her small delicate fingers were dwarfed by his larger ones and she smiled a bit at it. There was a time when she loved being held by those hands. They made her feel warm and safe and she believed no harm could come to her. As much as she wanted it, she knew it would never be that way again. She knew he hadn’t meant it, but Anakin’s actions had made sure of that.

“I’m not the one who can save you, Anakin,” she said, meeting his gaze again. “You have to save yourself now.”

He felt his chest tighten considerably and he found he couldn’t breathe. “Padmé.” He struggled to get her name out, not able to say anymore. He understood what she was saying and it wasn’t what he wanted to hear.

“You have to forgive yourself as well. As much as I want to I don’t have enough of myself to do that. I don’t even know if it’s mine to give.” Padmé’s voice was so eerily calm that it sent goose bumps crawling across Anakin’s skin.

“Of course it’s yours,” he reasoned even though his mind raced and his voice shook. “Without it how will I know that you still love me?”

“I do love you,” she replied, a soft conviction her tone. “I always have and I always will. And I promise you nothing will ever change that no matter what happens or where we end up from here.”

Anakin began shaking his head erratically, never breaking his gaze with her. He wanted to say something but the words suddenly wouldn’t come.

Padmé continued. “But I can’t stay with you. This isn’t where I belong. This isn’t my place anymore. My home is back on Naboo, Anakin. That’s where I have to be and that’s where you’ll find me.”

Anakin finally found his voice and everything came out in a desperate plea. “But you said you can’t live without me! That you tried and failed, just like I did.” His voice broke on the last words.

Padmé nodded in agreement. “Just like you. I can’t live without you, Ani, but I can’t be here with you.”

“Then wait, please. Promise you’ll wait for me, back on Naboo? That you’ll be there, you won’t leave me and you’ll still love me.” He noticed her eyes then. They appeared almost hollow, like she wasn’t even there. He knew what it meant but he didn’t want to believe it. He couldn’t face it.

Padmé dropped her hand from the transparisteel door and took a few steps back. Looking at Anakin one final time she said again, “I can’t save you, Anakin. You have to save yourself.”

Padmé then faded from sight.

“Padmé!” Anakin yelled, frantic now. She was gone, truly gone. She had vanished right before his eyes. Without a doubt his angel was gone. It was more than he could bear. “Padmé! Don’t leave me! Please! Padmé!”

He cried and yelled and screamed for her, begging her to come back. He tried to find a way out of the room that held him but the security had been improved since his “escape”. He wanted to go find Padmé but he knew it was impossible. All he could do was call for her, hoping she’d come back.

Spent and exhausted, he stared blankly at the spot where she once stood. Sliding down the door, an emotional, tattered, devastated wreck that sat slumped on the floor, he pressed his head against the transparisteel. No tears fell; all he did was continue to stare, mumbling her name over and over.

--------

“There’s been no change.” It was more of a statement than a question from Chancellor Organa as him and Obi-Wan walked down the hall Anakin’s room was located in. He had the opportunity to see the fallen Jedi - Anakin was the widower of one who had been one of his most trusted colleagues in the senate, as well as friend - but he chose not to. Organa had liked Anakin before Palpatine helped place the young man onto a path that ultimately lead to his life’s ruin and it hurt to see what had become of him. Obi-Wan also always said it was best to let him and Master Yoda deal with Anakin. Especially after the breakdown he’d just had.

“I’m afraid not,” Obi-Wan answered, shaking his head. “He just sits in the middle of the room, staring at the door, saying her name over and over again.” He stopped and looked at the Chancellor. “I was afraid it would come to this. I remember his reaction when I first told him about Padmé’s death.” He crossed his arms over his chest and brought his hand up to slowly stroke his chin. “He refused to believe me, and nothing I said mattered. I can’t help but feel that if we had made him face it then he wouldn’t be the way he is now. He wouldn’t have spiraled down into this madness.” He sighed and pain filled up his eyes. “I feel we have completely lost him.”

Chancellor Organa let out a heavy sigh and shook his head in remorse. His thoughts quickly turned to something else. “What about the children?”

“They’ll remain in the Temple crèche, for now,” Obi-Wan said sadly, resuming the walk down the hall. “They are Anakin’s children and he has every right to be with them. I fear that as well will prove to be impossible.” He glanced over to Organa. “He doesn’t remember them being born. He doesn’t remember me telling him.

“Padmé’s parents may take them if Anakin doesn’t recover.”

Chancellor Organa didn’t miss the resolution in Obi-Wan’s voice. “And you’re guessing that’s what will happen?” Like before, it was a statement more than a question.

“Yes.”

“I’m sorry, Obi-Wan, for everything that’s happened.”

Obi-Wan caught the sincerity in what Organa said and smiled a bit, even if it was only temporary. “Thank you Chancellor. However, I feel the hardest days are still ahead of me. There’s so much that has to be done.”

“Will you and Master Yoda rebuild the Order?”

The question took Obi-Wan by surprise and it took a moment for him to come to what he knew was the answer. Hesitating, he knew by saying it everything would be true. There’d be no turning back. Everything would be final. “No. We’re not wanted right now. The Republic has made itself very clear about that. Even with all you have done to preserve us before the Senate - and Master Yoda and I are extremely grateful for that - it’s best things remain as they are. Palpatine’s actions, and then Anakin’s were enough to bring about our undoing. When the time is right we’ll return.”

“And what about Anakin?”

Obi-Wan stopped again, his mind wondering back to the broken man sitting and waiting for the one thing he loved more than anything in his life- the one thing he destroyed it all for - to return to him. Anakin had a very long wait; he had forever as far as he was concerned. Slowly, Obi-Wan turned his head back to where Anakin’s room was located. “I don’t know. I honestly don’t know.”

--------

Back in his room, Anakin sat on the cold floor staring blankly at the transparisteel door waiting for his angel to return to him. Hoping someday she’d be able to forgive him and love him again.

“Padmé,’ he whispered.

Silence greeted him all around. Hot tears ran down his face.

“Padmé.”

~finis~

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